Joan here..."The wonderful world of Skype"

I have rediscovered the wonderful world of "skype". It is so nice to be able to talk to others who live far away and see them while you are talking. I have been spending hours on it lately with family from Edmonton way as my cousin Jill is scheduled for an artery bipass this week.

Because her immediate family do not live near here I have been filling in for them. Her sisters and I have been coordinating her appointments, surgery, and post surgery plans too make sure nothing will be missed in her care.

I have been busy going back and forth to Health Science Centre this past couple of weeks. It has been emotionally draining at times as memories flood in each time about the times Rick and I were there for his appointments, operation, and etc. When I see someone in a wheelchair it instantly takes me back in my mind about Rick in his.

Things like when I was pushing my cousin in her wheelchair and getting on the elevator. Remembering how Rick loved it that I always made sure he was backed in not pushed in. That way he could face the elevator doors.

I was at a funeral recently for a dear neighbour, John, from way back in my growing up years. He had Parkinson's disease. This man had a son, Jack, who a number of years ago when he was in his 30's died of ALS. Now one of his other sons, Jeff, had an aneurysm recently and has left him in a wheelchair, unable to speak etc. At the funeral his young wife was sitting next to him with their two small children.

After the service Jeff and his wife were sitting at a table where she was putting meds in a syringe to put into Jeff's feeding tube. I just stood beside them and gasped as I watched her taking care of him. I did everything to just keep myself together and not break down sobbing right then and there. My heart just welled with pain for what he and her are facing. He resides at the Deer Lodge Centre right now and can't even be home with his family on a daily basis.

I am looking forward to the day when my memories of Rick will go first to the time of our life where he was not ill and we just had a normal life. Rick is still in my dreams regularly. I cherish those dreams!!!

Please do pray for my cousin Jill, Jeff and his wife and their young children.

Joan here..."6 months today"

I never dreamed I could have made it this long without Ricki. It is 6 months today since he passed and my first Valentine's Day tomorrow without him.

These dates are very raw reminders how our life together as we knew it has forever changed. These dates are a reminder of our dreams and plans that will never be. Every couple of days I still have my break down times. They usually last for a couple of days. I am finding out first hand that everything is a choice!

When I think of Rick which is most of the time....I am so amazed at how strong, brave and loving he truly was as a man even till the end! In the last year of his life I was so exhausted with just the physical daily care for him and the internal stress of knowing we may not have a tomorrow together. I didn't always see everything with a balanced perspective. A lot of tunnel vision. When you are barely hanging on to your own sanity with all the ups and downs this disease brings into your life, as a wife, I didn't have anytime to be reflective or concerned about anything other than getting Rick through his day with as much dignity and care as I could.

While going through some of our stuff awhile ago I came across a bag full of new Valentine Day Cards. I then remembered how Rick had told me he had gone out and bought me a bunch so when he was gone I would always have a new one to open each year from him. So when I found them all I did was cry and cry and hugged the package of cards. I have kept them in the bag without reading them. I did manage to count them and I have one for each year till I am 86 years old!!!!

Valentine Day for us was an "us time"! I am truly amazed how even after death he arranged for me to have an "us time". I have so many very romantic memories and times he so thoroughly surprised me with! So every year I will get to read and see something new that he had picked out for me....what a wonderful gift of love he put into place for me! It won't bring him back...but his thoughtfulness eases the pain of the loss for the day. It is something tangible!

A few lines taken from this year's card....

"...but if you're ever uncertain

of how much I care,

just "listen" to my heart..."

Missing you my dear Valentine!!!! I love everything you once were and everything you continue to be now!!!!

Joan here..."Does our passion have feet, hands or a voice?"

I was so pleased to hear that Katie, our little granddaughter, had joined the 4H Club this year. As part of what they were learning this year in public speaking they each had to write their own speech in their own words and present it.

Well..... Anyone knowing Katie and her passion would guess immediately what she chose to write about! I believe she will be entering a contest and reading what she wrote. I asked her permission to share this on the blog. Here goes....

"Hello ladies, gentlemen and honourable judges. My name is Katie... and I am from the Whitemouth Community 4H Club.

Today I'm here to talk to you about ALS. Also called Lou Gehrig's Disease. ALS stands for Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. ALS is a muscular disease that kills all the muscles in your body and eventually kills your heart or lungs. In ALS your brain acts like the light switch and your body acts like the lightbulb. When your brain tells your body to do something your body will respond but when you have ALS, ALS breaks the connection. ALS has no cure!

The reason I brought up this subject is because my Grandpa Rick had it. He was diagnosed February 1, 2008. ALS can start anywhere in your body. For my grandpa, it started in his legs. That is the reason my grandpa had to use a cane. My grandpa let my sister and I name the cane. We call it Max.

We knew my grandpa would need a lot of help so we renovated our house and garage into a beautiful suite and asked grandpa and grandma to move in with us. And they did! Through my grandma and grandpa we have met a lot of people. For example we met Dianna, Brian and Sharon from the ALS Society of Manitoba. They help families learn about ALS and supply equipment to people suffering from this horrible disease.

I wanted to help the people with ALS. So, I came up with an idea to have an ALS garage sale. Our first garage sale made $1,000.00 And our second garage sale made $1,637.00! This year I hope to raise around $2,000.00.

Sadly, August 13, 2010 my brave Grandpa Rick passed away. It is hard to see someone you love suffer so much. It is because of this I want to help people with ALS and hopefully one day you can too!"

****

I had the priviledge of Katie reading her speech to me and all I could do was cry and cry as I listened to this little girl express herself in the loss of her dear grandpa Rick and her continued desire to raise money to help families and find a cure for ALS.

I am sure Grandpa Rick was smiling down from heaven as Katie read her speech to me that night and so proud of her wanting to share it with everyone. She has put feet, hands and now a voice to her passion! What a challenge for me to follow!

Joan here..."15 sec commercial CTV"

This pic is a pic of the Amaryllis bulb that Rick and I would plant every year for the last couple of years. He found so much joy in seeing how every year a new bloom would grow. This has just blossomed and there are other blooms that are coming up. This pic doesn't really do justice to how majestic this plant is.

Just recently I found out that they are running a 15 sec. commercial to campaign for ALS awareness on CTV Winnipeg. It actually aired today during the Oprah Winfrey Show commercials as I was talking to Rick's mom and dad. Talk about timing! Ken and Alice Simpson, Brian and Kathy Cava, and Rick and I are shown in the clip. To our great sadness and loss all three guys are gone. It is so incredible to us wives to even think they are no longer here!

I am going to try and post the link of the copy of the commercial in case you don't get to see it. www.tripwiremedia.com/client/ALS/ Allow a couple of minutes for it to buffer once you click on it.....(Click on the ALS 15 second one).

Joan here..."5 months today"

As I sit and type this I glance back and forth towards the picture I have of Rick sitting on my desk. And as usual his big grin and shinning eyes catch my breath! Today, is the 5 th month since Rick passed away. It is almost half a year since I have talked to him. I have debated whether or not to continue blogging but tell myself to hang in there till the first year.

Nothing has really changed much in how I am feeling other than I don't think about Rick every 5 minutes like I did at first. I still cry but not as much or as often. I am still exhausted and I know that will take time. I definately have trouble remembering what I am suppose to do next or what had just taken place. All part and parcel of this thing called "grieving". It has really helped me having the family and friends support that has been very present in my life since Rick's passing.

I have packed up pretty much everything of Rick's clothing etc. So I only have a jacket and a pair of his slippers in the closet right now. I am surprised that I have even come this far in all of this. You don't know what is inside of you until you have to walk it. One thing is for sure, if you haven't walked it, there is no way a person could even begin to understand what it is like to lose your spouse to death.

I have been told countless times how very lucky I have been to have had such a loving relationship with Rick as that is not always the case with other marriages. That is probably why it is so hard at times as I miss our times together.

I was asked if I would be willing to answer some questions by a woman named Linda Della Donna who hosts a radio show on "Voice America" and has a web site dedicated to helping people who are grieving. The web site is http://www.griefcase.net/ . The article is located on the bottom of the page. You will recognize the picture.

More great news...Ricks daughter Colleen had a little (tongue in cheek as he weighed 9lbs 13oz) baby "Moses" in early January. Great way to start the New Year. I also found out that my daughter is expecting for this year. I am very excited as I will be able to be more available to her. It will be her 4th baby! I would not have ever believed she would have 4 children. She never was a baby person growing up!

I kept myself very busy today trying to bring some order to my place. It helped to keep my mind busy so I didn't have to do a lot of thinking. I have been writing in a journal as well and all of that helps.

Sometimes I really wonder what I will be doing and how I will be feeling when that first year comes around. I sometimes just wish the days, months and years would just fly by so that I could be on the other side of this part of the pain.

Loving and missing you Ricki....I have made it through 5 months!

"1/11/11" It would have been Rick's 58th Birthday today!

The ones symbolize to me.....this year is a year of firsts!!!! 1/11/11. All these "firsts" for me are coming in absolute bunches...Christmas, New Years, Rick's birthday, 5th month, Valentine's day and on and on and on. They say the "first" year is like that!

This past week I have been very busy with a lot on my plate and yesterday I noticed I have not been myself at all...it is so bad that on my way to a friends house I did an errand and forgot that I was suppose to stop in at her place after the errand. She had been so worried about me as I never showed up. Hey, come to think of it, I haven't been myself for the past three years...

It wasn't till today as I was driving to the cemetery that I realized that the upcoming day of Rick's birthday had been really way more stressful to me than what I had thought.

Yesterday, I went and made a floral spray that I could bring out to Sperling. The flowers were each delibertly chosen. Each colour and quantity. Each flower that I placed together and taped ushered in a flood of memories of Rick and I and what it had meant to us. I know when we do this it is actually for helping US to cope in a tangible way. It allows us to give expression of our grief and love for the loved one who has passed on.....

I am so thankful that Rick's folks have been sharing with me in so many of the "firsts" without Rick. Today, we all went for lunch together. We even went to a place where we all had a memory of having a lunch with Rick not very long ago.

Going to the cemetery today had it's own bag of emotions. Every time I go there I am reminded of how Rick would always walk around the place and tell me stories of all these people that he knew and cherished. I do have a video that I took of him the very last time he could walk going around the cemetery and how I had cried and cried taking it as I knew only to well that he too would be here in just a matter of time. I can't even imagine how he felt knowing that as he walked each step around all the tomb stones. Never mind stopping and looking at his own stone and knowing what was ahead for him shortly.

A child hood friend of Rick's contacted me today. He had intended on stopping there today but had been so consumed in taking care of his own mom. She is so ill so he said had given Rick the thumbs up as he had driven by the cemetery. I know this all sounds so weird but it meant so much to me that others are so thoughtful still of Rick's memory. I have had countless emails and etc acknowledging that today was his birthday. It has meant so much to me that people continue to keep his memory living on.

It was only three years ago today that Rick spent time talking with all the kids about his suspicion that this was ALS. It would only be two weeks later that he actually found out that he in fact had ALS. That is when our life went upside down in a second.

It is only two years ago today that we had the birthday bash with Elvis! Rick was so honored by the family and friends who could make it.

It is now today, and I have had to continually tell myself that Rick is having the best, biggest most unimaginable birthday ever!!!! If I see things that way then all I can be is just happy for him! That is where I have to leave it.........."I am so happy for him that he is no longer suffering!"

Happy Birthday my dearest wonderful husband Ricki from all of us who miss and love you from the core of our beings!!!!!