Joan here..."A time of Rejoicing for Rickie...Mourning for me"

As all of you know, Rick is the love of my life....as Katie put it "The other half of my heart!".
It hurts really really bad and I feel like I will never be myself again. I miss him so badly. Words can't describe the pain in my heart right now. I could fall down to the ground with the pain and anguish of my heart in crying out for him!

These past few days are days of shock, tears, disbelief of what has happened and the mad rush to get so much done. My mind is having to focus on getting through the funeral now and I only have minutes at a time to focus on my pain and loss. I am afraid when next week is over I will enter another faze of even greater mourning as I will have so much more time. We have been so blessed with all the flowers, food, cards, emails and especially all the hugs by people showing us their love and sharing their loss also.

On our way out the door last night to the funeral home we were greeted by Kirstine of the Whitemouth Hotel giving us some fresh hot pizzas for supper! Not only were the pizzas hot to our bellies but they brought the warmth of their love to our hearts. We have been blessed with family and friends organizing and bringing over food and beverages so as people have been coming over here I don't have to worry about any concern for these things.

I know Rick is over his pain and suffering...no more having to be handled by everyone...having to ask for even the smallest thing because he could no longer do anything but speak. This was one of his first concerns after diagnosis that he would continue to have the gift of speech. God surely heard his prayer and made a way for him to communicate with us until the very last hours where the meds, no muscles to breath in and out air, shear exhaustion made it almost impossible for us to hear his soft voice speaking. Our Rick with our children, his mom and dad and brother Garth surrounded him as he slipped peacefully into eternity. We are all relieved that he is over his pain and suffering and is now running, walking and eating with the angels on high. For this we are so very happy for him and Rejoice for Rick!

For myself and for all those who loved and cherished Rick it is a different story.... we mourn his passing. I will have to learn how to walk in the strength, power and trust in the Lord to heal my mourning and broken heart. Right now everything is so raw inside. I have cried and cried and just when I think there is no possible way that there is even a drop of water left in my body something or someone says or does something or a memory floods in or I see something of Rick's and the tears come again like waterfalls.

No one can ever be prepared for loosing their loved one, their soul mate. I had lots of time to think of losing Rick in the last 2 1/2 years but could never really allow my self to go there in my mind more than a few seconds. I can no longer run from it it is right here in my face every second that has gone by...he no longer lives in a physical body...where I can touch, speak and hold him...he lives in the spirit now and I feel him all around me even though I can't see him....I can hear his voice talking to me at times when I get overcome with grief.

His pet name that he used for me when it was just him and me was "babette". He told me not to worry when he realized he had but just hours to live. He did not have a chance to finish so much of what we talked about dealing with. He really believed he still had a few more weeks.
When the reality that he was going in a matter hours he started talking to me about my care, my future,my concern for unfinished things, my sorrow of not having him, my, my, my. He kept telling me "do not worry babette it will all work out". He started to remind me of where certain things were...what to do.......he went on and on to me about ME! His love and concern for all of us was amazing. He died true to his life...thinking of others first, kind, gentle, understanding and never projecting himself ahead of others. It was always "We" with Rick when he spoke...he never would just say "I". He always shared the glory... he was a team player.

My head and heart are so full of the love he had for me. As he laid on the bed dieing I kept thinking "what about him?" I could not help him on his journey through this valley of death as his body began shutting down. I was so thankful for the meds to take away any pain that were available. We had the presence of an earth angel named Cheryl from Palliative Care sit and walk with all of us until the end. I felt so helpless in helping him in his last hours of life here on the earth. The only thing that comforts me is knowing when he asked me not to leave him...I told him I would only leave him if I had to go for a "P". He laughed. I held his hand, stroked his face, kissed him, and hugged him until he was no longer with us. All the while I was devastated and could not believe these were my last hours and precious minutes with my beloved Ricki.

After his passing Val, Garth and I brushed his hair, cleaned him up and while he laid there waiting for the Funeral Home to come we all kept surrounding him with love and never leaving him alone as I had promised him.

I can't even convey to you the pain as I saw them lift my sweetheart onto the gurney and put him in a bag and roll him away! We all stood there hearts breaking and tears flowing and watched. I told the funeral attendants I was not leaving his side and I just had to stay beside him till the very last minute that I could. I walked along side of them pushing the gurney and told them to take good care of him because they where handling a "Prince". I stood by my Ricki until they slid him into the back of the black car. When they closed the back of the door with my precious Ricki in there and began to drive away I waved him goodbye and blew him a kiss until I would meet with him again and away they took him. I stood there sobbing and so full of grief that there went the greatest husband, lover and friend that I could have ever asked for.

I know we will always be together forever but it just won't be the way I knew it here on earth. I no longer will experience his voice, his touch, his hugs, his kisses, his encouraging and comforting ways.That has passed now. I have to let that life die but forever remember. I will be joined with Ricki once again in eternity in a new way! Where there will be no bipap masks in the way of our kisses. He will be able to dance with me once again. He made me a promise that we would dance together on the "sea of glass" and we would be Together Forever in eternity!