Joan here..."2 months 6 days"

I woke up this morning with thoughts flooding back to the beautiful dream I had during the night still so real and vivid that I instantly wanted to go back to that dream.

In my dream Rick was dancing with me. We always loved dancing together and never worried about the accuracy of the steps. We were often the first on the dance floor and the last to leave. In my dream, Rick was so free and happy and really enjoying the dancing. We were having so much fun together. He put his arms around me and I felt like we were one as we had fit so perfectly together. I could feel the warmth and strength of his arms around me. He twirled me around and around.

It really meant so much to have that dream especially with me missing him so much. It brought on a flurry of memories of him dancing with me. He would spontaneously pick ordinary places and just start dancing with me. Some of my favorite places that he did that was on one of the busiest street corners in Toronto, the middle of St. Vital Shopping Centre on one of the busiest days around Christmas , at the Forks directly across from the Basilica. The first time that he did that I was caught off guard. I was so shocked that he would even consider doing that especially with crowds of people around us. He would waltz and twirl me and I always was so amazed and pleased that Rick was so fearless.

For every good day I have I usually have 3 not so good ones. There just is that pulling in the pit of my being and then I just have to go aside and cry and cry. I have been spending a lot of time with friends and family while being in the city. I even spent time on the golf course...not that I am golfer. Keeping busy helps to take my mind off of Rick.

As I type this I have his pic sitting on the table next to me and when I glance up I see his smiling face and sparkling eyes looking back at me. I stop and give him a kiss every now and then. I just miss him from the core of my being.

I can see where people advise widows not to make any big decisions or make big changes early on as there is so much confusion and numbness and lots of lack of concentration. My short term memory is exactly that... short.

Finding joy and vision for each day is definitely a challenge. Most days I would just find it easier to crawl under the blankets and stay there for the day. I just keep telling myself to get up...get moving...this part of the journey is only for a very short time in light of eternity.

This weekend the lift that was originally installed in our suite to raise Rick from the main level to the upper level is being removed. Once again, bitter sweet. I will have regular stairs to climb now no more climbing up and down the aluminum ladder that I had put on the lift. That way I didn't have to turn on the lift each time I scooted up and down myself. It was so noisy and took time to get to the upper level. It will be so different to just have normal stairs there. I am glad to see the lift go but so sad to see it go as it is another thing full of memories for me of taking Rick up and down. We had been so happy when Jake designed, made and installed the lift at the beginning as it meant Rick could go up with his wheelchair. This is one of the last pieces of equipment installed for Rick to be removed.

I know I will have a hard time when I go back and see it changed. It will trigger a whole bunch of emotions and memories you can be sure.

Our little 3 year old granddaughter spent part of the day with me on her birthday and of all things she asked me out of the blue for was a bird. There were a bunch of them in a container and she picked out a "humming bird". She just hung on to it all the way home. She had no way of knowing what that "humming bird" meant to me. Another memory!!!! Little things that we take for granted each day are monumental when they become memories of a loved one. So enjoy absolutely EVERY little thing!