How am I feeling today? Very sad, lonely, no direction, no focus and lost! I know it will pass... it is just how I am feeling right now. I will try and end this blog entry on a positive now that I got all the negative crap out! It is a beautiful sunny fall day which I can be soooo grateful for though.
On the weekend I attended a family reunion on my mom's side with a couple of hundred people present. They raised over $2,000.00 in a silent auction for my brave cousin who has been fighting cancer for a number of years now. When Rick was first diagnosed they rallied around us also so it brought back more memories. At the time it was so humbling to receive but so wonderful to be surrounded with such love.
At the reunion it was so wonderful to experience all their love, support and compassion but so incredibly emotionally stressful at the same time. I felt so lost and alone even though there were so many people around me. I still can only be in crowds for awhile then I just have to go. Usually, when I feel that tugging inside and energy dip it is time for me to get alone and just cry! Then I am good for awhile again.
As I was driving home in the early evening right when the sun was still shining bright I noticed a farmer harvesting in the field to the side of me. (not the pic on the blog) It was an incredible beautiful sight - a picture perfect taking shot. Blue sky, bright sun, golden fields as far as the eye could see and the hum of the combine. A flood of memories rolled in once again of how Rick and I would drive each fall down country roads and see if we could catch a glimpse of exactly that. Rick grew up on a grain farm and did many years of harvesting. It ran deep in his soul even though he was living in the city for years. So between gushes of tears and flashbacks I managed to make it home safely.
I have been reading books and books on grieving and widowhood. Rick's uncle Keith has been so amazing with his letters, emails, phone calls and mailing me books and books to read. He is currently on his first trip back to Vienna since he lost his soul mate Christine just over a year ago.
Some of the book titles that I have been reading are:
Healing after Loss (Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief)by Martha WhitmoreHickman
Healing a Spouse's Grieving Heart (100 practical ideas after your husband/wife dies) Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.
Getting to the Other Side of Grief (Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse) by Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge, R.N., Robert De Vries, Ph.D.
The Grief Recovery Handbook (Moving beyond Dearth) by John W James & Russell Friedman
A Time to Grieve (Mediations for healing after the death of a loved one) by Carol Staudacher
I found a website that has some links to other sites just click on the resource tab on this site and you will see a list http://www.griefcase.net/ . Linda Della Donna is the author of many articles, books and radio on widows and grieving. I haven't checked these other sites yet but I am sure any reading will offer something.
There are a couple of realities that keep popping up...I now belong to the "W" (Widow) club, one of which you have no choice as you automatically get a membership to it, the other is "HINCB" (he is not coming back).
I keep meeting widows where ever I go and believe me there are lots of us out there. According to stats the average age of any widow is in their 50's. Scary thought isn't it. I started thinking about that and sure enough the majority of widows become one in that time frame. They all have tears in their eyes when they talk about the memory of their beloved one. To them it is still like it just happened yesterday even if years have passed for each of them. True love is eternal!
Some of the widows try and soften the blow and tell me that "it will get somewhat easier as times goes by", and others say "I am sorry but you will always hurt from losing your husband, it never goes away, it is always there!"
I am beginning to come to accept the fact that there will NEVER be a day for the rest of my life that I won't think, long for or miss Rick from deep within my soul. I am in an identity crisis right now and I will have to learn how to live life as the new "me" whoever and whatever that will be.
So I figure with the help of Jesus and Rick I have a good chance at getting to the other side of mourning and grieving and discovering what God has for me for the remainder of my life! I am looking forward to the day when I will no longer feel dead but alive in some way again. Beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for mourning!
It is amazing to me how the little things that people do inspire hope in us when we are feeling down. Today, when I went to pay for my insurance the lady out of the blue told me about the exercise classes that they hold twice a week at the school. I have so wanted to start to slowly get involved in something to give me some focus and when I least expected it there it was!
Then once again I received some donation slips from the ALS Society from people who have donated in memory of Rick. I also received a couple of special letters. One in particular was from a grade 5 student who was so deeply affected by the presentation that Rick gave last year.
So here is to "choosing" to look upwards even when we just don't "feel" like it!
