Well....Nick aka Elvis...ended the evening with getting a standing ovation! Need I say more!!!!
The evening was bittersweet as I knew it would be. Coming up to the event I have been going into such a slump. It is amazing to me how my intellect may reason things out but my emotions sure don't. Just when I think I have everything under control then bang out come the waves of emotions seemingly out of no where!
This week.....
My sister Kathy helped me take down the outdoor stuff for winter and then went through the food pantry, cupboards and fridge sorting through a lot of expired items and etc.
Well who would have thought that a jar of pickeled eggs would have brought on a flood of emotions and a stress fest! Rick loved pickeled eggs and I had bought them for him so he could enjoy what ever he could while he could. Just throwing out that jar threw me into such an emotional spin. It was not throwing out the jar of pickeled eggs...it was throwing out the memory attached to it...it was like parting with a part of Rick...it was unbelievable!!! Each time I have parted with anything remotely to do with Rick it is an emotional crisis for me.
I have discovered that when I leave our place more than a day I want to come back. It is like I am homesick and I long to be what I think will be nearer to Rick. Then I come back and after awhile I have a good cry because he is not here and then I sit here in the room and wonder what am I doing.
The other day while driving home I had this sudden feeling of loneliness sweep over me. I started crying and crying and then it was like Rick was sitting in the passenger seat next to me and I could hear him telling me that I am not alone and that he will be here forever in my heart, in my memories and in the spirit where ever I go.
I had another real moment a few weeks ago ....when I was hugging Rick's urn filled with his bodily remains in my arms ...I thought about all the years of his hard work...the years that he would not even take more than a week holidays at one time....and how anything material in nature that he possessed would not be going with him....he could not even take his ashes or the urn with him....
I decided right then and there that all material possessions are just that "material" and it would only be the memories, the experiences, the love in our hearts that we could take with us...nothing else....I have heard this said many many times before but this time it is like my heart wrapped itself around it. I just wonder if I can be strong enough as a person to not give in to acquiring more"stuff" down the road and embrace only the intangibles.
What I am experiencing is probably so normal in regards to evaluating what is most important in life. It definately is not things that is for sure. I look around and I don't want to have the responsibilty and pressure of taking care of things. It is too stressful. Simple, simple, simple is what I am really looking at down the road.
Day 47....My heart aches for him all the time. I am just learning how to live with it one tear and one day at a time.
Thanks for your continued prayers, love and support.
