I woke up to loud pounding rain outside, wind and gray and gloomy looking out. As I listened to the rain pounding away outside I turned my thoughts to today...it is officially 4 weeks since I last talked and kissed my beloved Rick in person. All kinds of thoughts and memories came flooding in as I just laid there in bed not wanting to ever get up.
It took me awhile but I decided to get up, take a shower, get dressed and despite the weather I am still going to go away for the weekend as planned. Better sitting and talking with someone (a very comical and caring cousin I might add) than being all alone.
Yesterday, was an extremely difficult day again. Full of raw emotion. I went and picked up Rick from the funeral home and placed the urn in the front seat with me and of course sobbed all the way home. I remembered the time when Rick and I sat with the funeral director and discussed Rick's funeral and sent the director away with Rick's urn. Now here I am only a few short months later with the urn next to me full of Rick's remains. When we first got the urn from dear friends of Uncle Keith who made it Rick said he just couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that his ashes would be contained in it soon. Everything just seems so unreal!
I carried the urn in and closed the doors. I then just hugged and hugged it and of course cried and cried. I know Rick is no longer here but it is still his remains. I sat down and wrote a letter to him that I am going to include in that urn to be buried at a later time. It helped just writing down all those thoughts and expressing all those feelings bottled up inside.
So instead of just talking into the air to him....I talk to his urn. Sounds rather weird but seems so natural at the same time.
I have been out to see Rick's mom and dad a couple of times now and have really appreciated the time we spend together. We share memories of him in his last days with us and it helps as they understand the situation he was in with his need for special care and what it took this last 2 1/2 years. They understand without me having to try and explain things first. They have brought me much comfort as they truly loved him also.
I took this picture this morning in the rain of the little piece of the world that Rick could look at and enjoy just sitting on the deck. He was uncomfortable going for walks because of all the bumps so he didn't go beyond the deck for quite some time.
I am still receiving cards, emails and letters. I look forward to that little trip to the mail each day. Thank you all so much for your love and support. You will never know how much it means to a person till you are found in this situation that is for sure!
