Joan here..." 3 weeks and 3 days"

Well Ricki,
It is 3 weeks and three days…our first long weekend without each other…our first anniversary without each other. I went for a walk today outside of town on the road you and I used to go on with your wheelchair before it got too hard for you. No one was around so I could talk and cry and cry. God I miss you! My life will never be the same without you…never…..we were suppose to be together here on earth till we were so old. You were going to paint my toe nails and I was going to give you your traditional Sunday shave. I know some day we will be together again but it will not be this way, the way we were here on earth, so I grieve that continually.

I just don’t know what I will do or where I will go. I just want to be with you. I don’t care if I live or die right now I just want us to be together again. This is just so painful and horrible. I miss you talking to me…calling me “babette” and "sweetheart". God I hope you are safe and okay. I am trusting that God is taking good care of you. I still worry about you….unreal aye! You are the love of my life now and forever!

Last night I had a dream about your sister and her husband. They were talking to me. Then I woke up from that dream to your voice calling “Babette, Babette” from downstairs. It was 6:00 am. I woke up and focused and realized that could not be you so I just layed in bed for hours thinking of you. I miss you so much….I once told you that when you will die and be in heaven you will hear this voice from way down here on earth screaming and crying and it would be me…..well Ricki it is me!!!!!! I never dreamt it would be so painful…even when you were alive and we talked about you leaving I couldn’t bear to even think of it then…well it is even worse than I could have even ever imagined…there is nothing that could or would prepare me for the pain and anguish that I feel right now in my soul!!!!

Initially, I was so numb and in shock with my emotions in limbo and now as the weeks are passing by the numbness is waning and the emotion is just so raw and is coming to the surface. I sure can say this…..I sure must love you because the pain has been unbearable. I can see where fear leaves as I have nothing to fear…….if I die…..then I am with you so that is a good thing…..the power of fear has been broken. Death no longer has its grip. You have gone on ahead.

You are the most bravest person I have ever known. You walked a walk of suffering and humility that was unimaginable. I treasure your words you spoke to me so many many times “Joan I just want us to be together”.Well, that is exactly what I only want “Rick, I just want us to be together”. You were an incredibly wonderful husband…as I told you…NOT perfect but wonderful! I remember how you laughed when I told you that the day before you died. We had so much fun together, so many laughs, so many tears, so much love…You always said “you and I plus nothing babe” .

Well my dearest husband, I wrote this after a really difficult day and weekend. I have cried and cried, went for walks, read books, watched tv and had a few cold ones. I made plans today to go to the symphony which I have never done before. There will be a variety of music being played over this next year. You loved variety of music. It is every Sunday afternoon, once a month. So it should be tolerable! Lol…….. Then I want to look for a bereavement group to go to. I need to talk and share with others……I am finding myself too shut in. I am going to a lake and fishing next weekend with cousin Bruce. I really need you Ricki, I need to talk and sit with you. If I could just have another day with you…..I guess in reality that would never be enough would it? Why does death have to happen to those who you so love and want to be with?
Love you Ricki Gale……….I am writing this after much tears and sobbing!