Joan here...."Today is Day 47"

Well....Nick aka Elvis...ended the evening with getting a standing ovation! Need I say more!!!!

The evening was bittersweet as I knew it would be. Coming up to the event I have been going into such a slump. It is amazing to me how my intellect may reason things out but my emotions sure don't. Just when I think I have everything under control then bang out come the waves of emotions seemingly out of no where!

This week.....

My sister Kathy helped me take down the outdoor stuff for winter and then went through the food pantry, cupboards and fridge sorting through a lot of expired items and etc.

Well who would have thought that a jar of pickeled eggs would have brought on a flood of emotions and a stress fest! Rick loved pickeled eggs and I had bought them for him so he could enjoy what ever he could while he could. Just throwing out that jar threw me into such an emotional spin. It was not throwing out the jar of pickeled eggs...it was throwing out the memory attached to it...it was like parting with a part of Rick...it was unbelievable!!! Each time I have parted with anything remotely to do with Rick it is an emotional crisis for me.

I have discovered that when I leave our place more than a day I want to come back. It is like I am homesick and I long to be what I think will be nearer to Rick. Then I come back and after awhile I have a good cry because he is not here and then I sit here in the room and wonder what am I doing.

The other day while driving home I had this sudden feeling of loneliness sweep over me. I started crying and crying and then it was like Rick was sitting in the passenger seat next to me and I could hear him telling me that I am not alone and that he will be here forever in my heart, in my memories and in the spirit where ever I go.

I had another real moment a few weeks ago ....when I was hugging Rick's urn filled with his bodily remains in my arms ...I thought about all the years of his hard work...the years that he would not even take more than a week holidays at one time....and how anything material in nature that he possessed would not be going with him....he could not even take his ashes or the urn with him....

I decided right then and there that all material possessions are just that "material" and it would only be the memories, the experiences, the love in our hearts that we could take with us...nothing else....I have heard this said many many times before but this time it is like my heart wrapped itself around it. I just wonder if I can be strong enough as a person to not give in to acquiring more"stuff" down the road and embrace only the intangibles.

What I am experiencing is probably so normal in regards to evaluating what is most important in life. It definately is not things that is for sure. I look around and I don't want to have the responsibilty and pressure of taking care of things. It is too stressful. Simple, simple, simple is what I am really looking at down the road.

Day 47....My heart aches for him all the time. I am just learning how to live with it one tear and one day at a time.

Thanks for your continued prayers, love and support.

Joan here..."My darling Rick is laid to rest!"

On Saturday, on a beautiful sunny fall day we buried my wonderful, darling & loving & kind & forgiving (but not perfect just in case you have ought against him) husband along with his mom and dad.

Rick was always so thankful and grateful for his devoted, loving and supportive mom and dad. Remember, they are in their 80's. They tube fed, hoyered, toileted and bipaped him. They were with me for the whole ALS journey. They saw the intensive care and the incredible suffering that their son went through. They saw how truly brave he was. Anyone dealing with a terminal disease understands this is NOT a simple thing. The physical side of it is one thing...but wow...the emotional side is another! Their love and devotion to their eldest son is above and beyond! They are amazing folks! I stand in awe of them!!!!

I went over to Rick's folks house for the night on Friday as we would be burying Rick in the morning. I spent the evening reminicing about Rick and I and them and how he was in the last months and days.

Late in the evening they told me they had a "surprise" for me. Just think what that meant to me...a surprise! Who would even think about me at this point? I couldn't even begin to think of what that meant! Well, they had booked the hospitalitly bedroom for me in their complex. They told me they wanted me to be able to have a bath and sleep comfortably. Wow. A bath....they got it....our place only has a shower and in the years we have lived here I have so missed just soaking in a bathtub. They remembered!!! That meant so much to me...they thought about me as a person! I know why Rick loved and adored them so much! He had such confidence and trust in them! I know he would have been so proud of them for doing that for me, his wife.

Just think.....you are a father and a mother...and you are going to bury your son...your firstborn....Wendal has been burying people for years as he volunteers at the cemetary. I can't even imagine preparing the spot knowing you were going to be burying your first born. I just cry at the thought of that for them. Wendal went the day before and took care of all the details of that with a friend. Rick's mom went to the florist with me and purchased three roses so we could place them in Rick's plot.

I wont' give the details but believe me...we placed Rick's ashes to rest...Rick style!!!! Amidst my tears and words Rick's mom piped up and said "And God give him a voice so he can finally sing!"...I hope I quoted that somewhat accurately. Well, we all burst into laughter...Rick could not carry a tune ever....it might have been because he was quite deaf...but nevertheless...he could not sing!

I don't wish this for anyone...not even my worst enemy! Love is painful! I have been reading all kinds of books on grieving, widows and etc. They all tell you not to do anything until you are ready no matter what people say or pressure you to do. I really understand that NOW, who knows when I will take off my rings, who knows when I will be ready to change my name from Rick and Joan to just Joan, who knows when........when your love is great....the pain is great!

Joan here...."Another first"

It is that time of the year once again....Rick and I used to always attend "Elvis (aka Nick Drobot) on the Red". This year it is being held on land at the Delta Hotel Winnipeg. I am planning on attending in memory of Rick and hope you can make it also.



The event holds so many special memories. Once again this will be so bittersweet. Last year Rick (in his wheelchair) and I both danced to "I'll remember you" one of the songs Nick sang at Rick's funeral. By the month of July, the ALS Society of MB knew that Rick would have been too ill to attend this year but they were planning on having the film crew come out and interview Rick and then present it to all of us on the Elvis night. Rick was so honored that they were going to do that. Sadly, Rick passed away before all that could be put in place.



Elvis has planned one incredible awesome show this year!!!! Try and make it if you can. Thank you for helping to raise funds to help with finding a cure ....so no other family will ever ever ever have to go through this!

ELVIS, one night with you

Featuring...Nick Drobot as Elvis

Experiencing Memphis without Leaving Winnipeg,

Friday, September 24th

8:00 pm - 1:00 am

Delta Winnipeg

Two sets of performances by Elvis, aka Nick

DJ-Aime's Music Services Music from the 50's & 60's

Elvis themed snacks

Silent Auctions

Tickets $50.00 each (includes the food, $25.00 tax deductible receipt)


For information on tickets Sharon 831-1510, Brian 837-1270


email: hope@alsmb.ca

Joan here..."It is 4 weeks today"

I woke up to loud pounding rain outside, wind and gray and gloomy looking out. As I listened to the rain pounding away outside I turned my thoughts to today...it is officially 4 weeks since I last talked and kissed my beloved Rick in person. All kinds of thoughts and memories came flooding in as I just laid there in bed not wanting to ever get up.

It took me awhile but I decided to get up, take a shower, get dressed and despite the weather I am still going to go away for the weekend as planned. Better sitting and talking with someone (a very comical and caring cousin I might add) than being all alone.

Yesterday, was an extremely difficult day again. Full of raw emotion. I went and picked up Rick from the funeral home and placed the urn in the front seat with me and of course sobbed all the way home. I remembered the time when Rick and I sat with the funeral director and discussed Rick's funeral and sent the director away with Rick's urn. Now here I am only a few short months later with the urn next to me full of Rick's remains. When we first got the urn from dear friends of Uncle Keith who made it Rick said he just couldn't wrap his mind around the fact that his ashes would be contained in it soon. Everything just seems so unreal!

I carried the urn in and closed the doors. I then just hugged and hugged it and of course cried and cried. I know Rick is no longer here but it is still his remains. I sat down and wrote a letter to him that I am going to include in that urn to be buried at a later time. It helped just writing down all those thoughts and expressing all those feelings bottled up inside.

So instead of just talking into the air to him....I talk to his urn. Sounds rather weird but seems so natural at the same time.

I have been out to see Rick's mom and dad a couple of times now and have really appreciated the time we spend together. We share memories of him in his last days with us and it helps as they understand the situation he was in with his need for special care and what it took this last 2 1/2 years. They understand without me having to try and explain things first. They have brought me much comfort as they truly loved him also.

I took this picture this morning in the rain of the little piece of the world that Rick could look at and enjoy just sitting on the deck. He was uncomfortable going for walks because of all the bumps so he didn't go beyond the deck for quite some time.

I am still receiving cards, emails and letters. I look forward to that little trip to the mail each day. Thank you all so much for your love and support. You will never know how much it means to a person till you are found in this situation that is for sure!

Joan here..." 3 weeks and 3 days"

Well Ricki,
It is 3 weeks and three days…our first long weekend without each other…our first anniversary without each other. I went for a walk today outside of town on the road you and I used to go on with your wheelchair before it got too hard for you. No one was around so I could talk and cry and cry. God I miss you! My life will never be the same without you…never…..we were suppose to be together here on earth till we were so old. You were going to paint my toe nails and I was going to give you your traditional Sunday shave. I know some day we will be together again but it will not be this way, the way we were here on earth, so I grieve that continually.

I just don’t know what I will do or where I will go. I just want to be with you. I don’t care if I live or die right now I just want us to be together again. This is just so painful and horrible. I miss you talking to me…calling me “babette” and "sweetheart". God I hope you are safe and okay. I am trusting that God is taking good care of you. I still worry about you….unreal aye! You are the love of my life now and forever!

Last night I had a dream about your sister and her husband. They were talking to me. Then I woke up from that dream to your voice calling “Babette, Babette” from downstairs. It was 6:00 am. I woke up and focused and realized that could not be you so I just layed in bed for hours thinking of you. I miss you so much….I once told you that when you will die and be in heaven you will hear this voice from way down here on earth screaming and crying and it would be me…..well Ricki it is me!!!!!! I never dreamt it would be so painful…even when you were alive and we talked about you leaving I couldn’t bear to even think of it then…well it is even worse than I could have even ever imagined…there is nothing that could or would prepare me for the pain and anguish that I feel right now in my soul!!!!

Initially, I was so numb and in shock with my emotions in limbo and now as the weeks are passing by the numbness is waning and the emotion is just so raw and is coming to the surface. I sure can say this…..I sure must love you because the pain has been unbearable. I can see where fear leaves as I have nothing to fear…….if I die…..then I am with you so that is a good thing…..the power of fear has been broken. Death no longer has its grip. You have gone on ahead.

You are the most bravest person I have ever known. You walked a walk of suffering and humility that was unimaginable. I treasure your words you spoke to me so many many times “Joan I just want us to be together”.Well, that is exactly what I only want “Rick, I just want us to be together”. You were an incredibly wonderful husband…as I told you…NOT perfect but wonderful! I remember how you laughed when I told you that the day before you died. We had so much fun together, so many laughs, so many tears, so much love…You always said “you and I plus nothing babe” .

Well my dearest husband, I wrote this after a really difficult day and weekend. I have cried and cried, went for walks, read books, watched tv and had a few cold ones. I made plans today to go to the symphony which I have never done before. There will be a variety of music being played over this next year. You loved variety of music. It is every Sunday afternoon, once a month. So it should be tolerable! Lol…….. Then I want to look for a bereavement group to go to. I need to talk and share with others……I am finding myself too shut in. I am going to a lake and fishing next weekend with cousin Bruce. I really need you Ricki, I need to talk and sit with you. If I could just have another day with you…..I guess in reality that would never be enough would it? Why does death have to happen to those who you so love and want to be with?
Love you Ricki Gale……….I am writing this after much tears and sobbing!

Joan here..."Three weeks today that Rick passed away"

Rick always loved gardening. Here he is surveying the land.

Just think Rick is in another realm for three weeks now. No pain, no suffering and probably still running and jumping and waving his arms like crazy because they work now and busy visiting all the loved ones who have passed on!!!

You are probably wondering what I could possibly be doing and feeling three weeks after my husband has passed away. Well, I am still living and breathing...choosing to put one foot in front of the other.....life is going on. I am digging deep within myself and my faith. There isn't a time where every few minutes that I am not thinking of my Rick. I don't always show where I am at visibly but I am devastated!

This morning I went to the post office and rec'd a card from Dr. Kati & Nancy. He was our doctor years ago when we first lived in Wpg. What they wrote really warmed my heart especially this morning...."How sad we are to hear of Rick's passing but having had patients with ALS he is in a way better place. You two were a wonderful couple, worked together, lived together and we never saw one without the other. ....".

I have been so busy with getting all the equipment back to it's owners and doing paperwork. The equipment is all sent back. Talk about an empty space around me. I have moved back some furniture that we had in place when Rick and I first moved here...before the hospital bed, before the hoyer lift, before the IV pole, before the wheelchair, before the brodi chair. So right now, this suite is so very different...it has this really cold feeling and I guess that will always be. It is just not "our" warm and cozy space anymore. Rick is not here and every time I go out and come back in I am reminded of it.

Yesterday, was a day that all the flowers needed to be discarded. Hmmmm....thought the equipment was hard to deal with but here the flowers were yet just another thing to go. I reread all the cards on the flowers and carefully salvaged any flowers that could be put together in another vase. I ended up with a vase with misc flowers from all the other bouquets.

Yesterday, I decided to meet my friend Dona (with only one n) for lunch. As I was walking there I just kept crying out in my heart to God and Rick and saying how much I was feeling so lonely. I needed him...I wanted to talk to him....I wanted to feel his warmth and love. Well, wouldn't you know it...a block later a van pulled over next to me and a lady started talking to me about how much they have been thinking of me and my journey. She mentioned how she wanted me to meet her sister who herself had lost her husband years ago.

Then about another block later a lady came out of the post office. Patsy, she writes for the Carillon News for Elma. She mentioned how she had written an article about Rick. She will be mailing me a copy of it. Then I had lunch with my friend and low and behold who did I meet up with is our own infamous Dr. Spence....wow! I believe between Rick and God, I was supernaturally taken care of!

And to top it all....when I went to the post office there was a fist full of cards from the ALS Society of MB who had received donations in memorial to Rick!!!! Talk about heart wrenching. I scrambled to get home as fast as I could to read who would be so considerate in taking the time to do this.

As I read each name...I thanked God for these people...who are all trying to make sure another family will not have to go through this down the road. I phoned Rick's mom and dad and went over the names with them. They shared the cards they have rec'd also in Rick's memory. It brought such comfort to all of us. People cared...people cared about Rick...about us...about not having other families ever having to deal with this.

Rick loved his parents so very much and it is an honor for me to be able to even talk to them and share the latest. They understand the pain that this disease inflicted on him and us. They were there with us for the whole walk! They didn't just talk it they walked it. They ran for the urinal bottle...they hooked up the feeding tubes...they heard when he gave us his last wishes....they were here for their son.

I still haven't decided when I am going to bury his ashes.... I have so many things to think about in that regard. Emotionally, I just know I have to keep it very simple just to get through it. Many times a day I thank God for taking good care of Rick right now and I know he is in God's hands. I just miss him so much!!!! His smile, his morning kisses...at the end he couldn't reach over and kiss me so he would always say to me....Joan I want to kiss you...I need a kiss...that meant I had to go over to him and kiss him. Towards the end his bipap mask was always in the way but we still managed....if I could just kiss him one more time.

If...if...if....kiss your loved ones while you have them....