Joan here..."Opera, Griefshare & babysitting".

I went to my very first "opera" tonight. I actually enjoyed it! It really helps that they have a reader board translating the latin and so you can follow the story line without much fuss.

My friend and I spent the day doing all kinds. It is so wierd though. I get this feeling like I need to hurry and get back home and then I stop and think..."what for?". That has been one of the strangest things to being on my own. I want to go and tell Rick everything that I saw and experienced like I used to. To think...I could stay up and out all night and who cares! That is so mind boggling for me at this point. This part of my life is unimagineable!

It has been so wonderful to have friends and family who are so supportive of me. I am so thankful for that. Until you go through something like this you will never know how much others can help you through the most difficult time of your life. I just want to make sure I will be there for them down the road as they walk through life.

Losing a spouse is like losing one half of your being. Rick and I were so very close. We talked about the day when he would no longer be here and how I was going to manage without him here. At the time we would both cry...but now I cry and feel the pain.... I was married to an incredible wonderful man.

This week I ventured out and went to a "griefshare" meeting. I ended up meeting two wonderful people, a pastor and his wife. We spent a couple of hours alone together sharing. I felt like I was sitting down with old friends that God had hand picked for this moment. They had had their own humps and bumps along the way and were honest about it. I felt like Rick was smiling and telling me once again..."see Joan...I told you...don't worry..everything is going to be all right!". My few hours spent with these two strangers renewed my faith in the ministry!

I get to look after my little grandson for a few days this next week. I am so looking forward to it. With Rick being so ill I didn't get to spent any time with him when he was first born so this will give me a chance to get to know the little man. Just him and grandma!

Taking one step and one day at a time. 3 months and 8 days.

"It is 3 months today!"

I can hardly believe it is three months since I have seen my sweetheart! Every day is like a blur! It seems like an eternity since we have been together. I miss all those little special things each day that we shared. He couldn't do anything much towards the end but he could still talk and boy did we talk. Rick shared about his life from beginning to end, all his memories good and bad. We always laughed so much when we were alone together. He was my best friend ever!

My daughter Jen found this poem written by Constance Jenkins.

Weep not for me though I am gone

Into the gentle night

Grieve if you will, but not for long

Upon my soul's sweet flight.

There is no need for tears.

I am at peace, my soul is at rest

There is no pain, I suffer not,

For with your love I was so blessed.

I am in a place of comfort

The fear now is gone.

Put those things out of your thoughts,

In your memory I live on.

Remember not my fight for breath

Remember not the strife

Please do not dwell upon my death

But celebrate my life.

By Constance Jenkins

I miss the laughter, Rick's funny little sayings. Just hearing his voice. I hear it now but not the same. His words often say "don't worry babette...everything is going to be okay". In the midst of some of the storms in our life he would always tell me...don't worry everything is going to be okay!" I used to tell him...yeah you can say that because you aren't going to be around to deal with it anymore. He would just laugh and then would say "Well, I don't want to go, I just want to be here with you!"

I am no further ahead right now in what I am looking at doing or where I am going to live. I am just doing. Not that I want to complain as there is still so much to be thankful for. But bottom line is that I am chosing to put one foot in front of the other all the time. My feelings are pretty numb right now.

I have going through some of my computer files and came across one of the last letters Rick wrote to me and it is just so unbelievable what he wrote to me. All I did was cry reading it! I cherish each and every letter he has written that is for sure.

I have been also going through my many many picture albums of us. I can't believe how emotional that can be as each picture holds an incredible memory of our time together. We did so much during that time...wow! I am so glad for that now. We went to so many different places, met so many wonderful people, we really hit the pedal to the metal as Rick would say! I posted one of the pics I came across as I have so many memories of he and I dancing.

I am invited to a retirement supper tonight so I am going. I just don't have the "single" thing down right now. It is very stressful. I am so used to Rick and I sitting at a table and talking and being a couple. Now it is just me!

When I was in Winnpeg the last time I had a man ask me what I was doing that evening and if I would be interesting in meeting with him. Kinda like a date. I was so shocked. That threw me off...that came out of no where in my thinking. Never mind the fact that I continually look like a truck hit me... I would like to have some friends and just talk but not going out on a date that is for sure. I am just emotionally existing from day to day so anything added to that is over the top. Rick is always on my mind.

I know people meet other people and start a new life and I am so happy for them. For me it will be nearly an impossible thing. The loneliness is probably what drives people to reaching out to start another relationship. Loneliness is very real when you are used to being with someone 24/7 for years. Rick talked a lot about that to me before he died. He said he would be very jealous but he wanted me to have a life. He even talked to Jake about me having a life on his death bed and gave him specific advice, etc.

I am being very volunerable and probably stupid writing this all so I hope it is understood in the right spirit.

I have been the brunt of some pretty wicked lies told about me in the past. I have been wondering if the people who have said "God showed them such and such" ....and have said that to many people...thus spreading the untruths. Do these "in the name of God people" every go back to all the people who originally heard their lies in the name of God and admit that it actually was not God? Just a thought.

Just because people come in the name of God doesn't mean what they are doing or saying is God? Somehow, there needs to be more of a gift of discernment operating and sought after in the body of Christ before desiring any of the other gifts ie prophecy, word of knowledge etc.

The untruths spoken about another person can have a snow balling effect and when spread get more and more elaborate and outrageous in nature. So here is to seeking after a gift of discernment first! God is good! He doesn't have any other motive in HIS heart but pure LOVE! That is why when God speaks... He speaks forgiveness, redemption and love! And if that is not what you are hearing...run for your spiritual life!

Well now that I am standing on my soap box I better duck!

Here's to looking forward to eternity where we can always walk in pureness of heart! Loving and missing you Ricki!

Joan here..."Standing tall"

I have been sorting through some photos of Rick and I have lots of them! The last 2 yrs are all of him sitting down. Before that time they are all of him in action of some sort. Rick's dad used to tease me all the time about me and THAT camera. It used to be a joke between us. I was snapping pics all the time. I am so glad now!!! It is true...pictures are worth a thousand words! They trigger endless memories and emotions of a time and place in our life together.

Here are a few pics of the real Rick BEFORE ALS!