Joan here..."Bye Brian Moule another ALS friend passed"

This pic was the one I took of the four guys at the ALS Brummit Feasby House when Rick and I had stayed there for a doctor's appointment. This pic was taken ONLY nine months ago.

This week Brian M passed away peacefully in his sleep. He was the last one of the four guys to pass away. Brian M is the one on the far left then Ken, Brian C, then Rick. All four of them did their part in helping to further awareness of ALS.

I attended Brian's funeral today and it was the first one since Rick has passed. The group I sat with is full of the ALS widows, the staff from the Brummitt Feasby House and the ALS Society staff. It was very very difficult and I really felt for Joan, Brian's wife.

Rick and I met this lovely couple at one of the first ALS meetings we were at in 2008. Then whenever we would stay at the Brummit Feasby House for appointments we would visit with Brian M. He was such an interesting fellow. They nicknamed him "the boss". He had a love for puzzles so whenever we would go he would show us his latest achievement. We will miss you Brian M and give my Ricki a big hug from me!

This disease is so ugly! I just heard where a gentleman in my area has ALS and he actually lost his wife to ALS Bulbar 3 years ago. So as a couple they both got ALS but it affected them in different ways. It really makes you wonder if this is not environmentally stimulated! All I know is that wherever it goes it leaves a trail of dead bodies behind it!

My deepest condolences to Joan and her children on their great loss! In God we trust!!!

Joan here..."For the time being Goodbye city life.."

I drove back from Winnipeg last night. I actually lasted over a week without being back which was in itself incredible. I could feel the pulling and longing to come back home though these past few days. It was so dark outside and the roads were quite isolated so by the time I got back I was feeling pretty isolated and lonely but anxious to get back to "our" place.

I hesitantly walked in to our place as I really didn't want to face the lift being removed. I found the lift gone and a new set of regular stairs in its place. I burst into tears as this was the last piece of installed medical equipment to go of Rick's. Once again bittersweet! On the positive side I can actually walk up and down regular stairs instead of the aluminum ones. Jake did a really great job with building the new stairs. When I talked to Jake about when he took out the lift he said he himself had a really emotional time removing it.

We do still have the special radio built into the wall and that needs to be returned. It belongs to Garth, Rick's bro. He had installed it for Rick when we first moved here. Not sure about all the components that go along with it though.

Back to when I arrived last night. Once I got over the initial adjustment of the new stairs in place I headed over to see the kids. Val and Tia were there and I was received with some big hugs. Today, both the little girls told me that they really missed me while I was gone. I asked them what they missed??? They said "Just you grandma being here". I sure enjoyed that comment!

My time away had me very busy....driving out to Carman, Sperling, Fort Whyte Centre, visiting and lots of fantastic evenings out with so many family and friends. They all kept me so busy and full.

On one of those nights out while sitting around a huge bond fire surrounded by some family but mostly strangers and a band playing in the background I suddenly felt like Rick was sitting right next to me on the bench. I felt so warm and full of love from him. It was like we were both enjoying the surroundings together like we used to. I felt so normal for those few precious minutes. I wanted to stay in that moment forever!

I have agreed to be filmed some more in the next while in regards to what is happening in my life and how I am doing now that my sweetheart Rick is gone. I agreed to do that in hopes that maybe someone in some small way would benefit by it. From a pure vanity perspective on my part... after looking at the last filming episodes...yikes...the stress of this past 2 1/2 years has definitely taken its toll!

I dread the coming winter and keep thinking thoughts of how I am going to move forward. Remember those days when you were about to finish high school and you had this big world out there and how were you now going to have to fit into it....everyone would ask...so what are you going to do now? well that is where I am at!

I am still busy reading and reading biographies and still trying to come to the realization of some sort that my Ricki is really gone and I have to learn how to live the rest of my life without him here in the body. I know in my heart that I need to trust God to open doors and lead me in this next part of the journey but my mind and emotions still want to be sad, cry and grieve. I also know by widows talking to me that this incredible missing of Rick will never end but that I will in time learn better how to adapt and live with this new me.

I keep reminding myself this is all so new....it is only 2 months and 12 days...not to be anxious about tomorrow....one step at a time....even though it is just a pinkie toe some days....but anything forward is going in the right direction. Some days I would rather pull the blankets over my head and just stay there. Those are the days I tell myself to just get up and get a cup of coffee...then when I do that...I tell myself to get dressed...then when I accomplish that I tell myself to go and get the mail....all the mean while my mind is saying okay I will but then I will go back to bed...but as I keep challenging myself to do just one more thing pretty soon I forget about crawling back to bed.

In saying all of this, please do know that I fully understand there are millions of other people in the world who are in way way more worse and even sadder situations than I. There are billions of people who have already gone before me on this journey of grieving and loss. So please be kind to me in trying to understand that I am just writing down what I am experiencing as I walk through the days, months after losing my husband.

The weekends are the hardest for me. I think that is because that was the time where Rick and I would always try and abandon boring daily routines and try and do other things together. Towards the end we couldn't just get away or do something really exotic like go out for supper together :) but we would still have a plan even if it meant to not answer our phone, no company and just stay in our pj's for the day and watch movies and snuggle. It was our little getaway!

Before Rick got sick he and I used to laugh how crazy we were. We would be up to our necks in doing some project or another and one of us would on the spur of the moment suggest...hey, why don't we head out to such and such a place... with out hesitation the other one of us would say "sure great idea lets go for it!" and within minutes we would have the tools put away and be packed up and gone!!! I have so many special crazy memories of Rick and I doing that!

Brings to mind some more of Rick's traits....F (fun) U (understanding) N (never boring)!

Joan here..."2 months 6 days"

I woke up this morning with thoughts flooding back to the beautiful dream I had during the night still so real and vivid that I instantly wanted to go back to that dream.

In my dream Rick was dancing with me. We always loved dancing together and never worried about the accuracy of the steps. We were often the first on the dance floor and the last to leave. In my dream, Rick was so free and happy and really enjoying the dancing. We were having so much fun together. He put his arms around me and I felt like we were one as we had fit so perfectly together. I could feel the warmth and strength of his arms around me. He twirled me around and around.

It really meant so much to have that dream especially with me missing him so much. It brought on a flurry of memories of him dancing with me. He would spontaneously pick ordinary places and just start dancing with me. Some of my favorite places that he did that was on one of the busiest street corners in Toronto, the middle of St. Vital Shopping Centre on one of the busiest days around Christmas , at the Forks directly across from the Basilica. The first time that he did that I was caught off guard. I was so shocked that he would even consider doing that especially with crowds of people around us. He would waltz and twirl me and I always was so amazed and pleased that Rick was so fearless.

For every good day I have I usually have 3 not so good ones. There just is that pulling in the pit of my being and then I just have to go aside and cry and cry. I have been spending a lot of time with friends and family while being in the city. I even spent time on the golf course...not that I am golfer. Keeping busy helps to take my mind off of Rick.

As I type this I have his pic sitting on the table next to me and when I glance up I see his smiling face and sparkling eyes looking back at me. I stop and give him a kiss every now and then. I just miss him from the core of my being.

I can see where people advise widows not to make any big decisions or make big changes early on as there is so much confusion and numbness and lots of lack of concentration. My short term memory is exactly that... short.

Finding joy and vision for each day is definitely a challenge. Most days I would just find it easier to crawl under the blankets and stay there for the day. I just keep telling myself to get up...get moving...this part of the journey is only for a very short time in light of eternity.

This weekend the lift that was originally installed in our suite to raise Rick from the main level to the upper level is being removed. Once again, bitter sweet. I will have regular stairs to climb now no more climbing up and down the aluminum ladder that I had put on the lift. That way I didn't have to turn on the lift each time I scooted up and down myself. It was so noisy and took time to get to the upper level. It will be so different to just have normal stairs there. I am glad to see the lift go but so sad to see it go as it is another thing full of memories for me of taking Rick up and down. We had been so happy when Jake designed, made and installed the lift at the beginning as it meant Rick could go up with his wheelchair. This is one of the last pieces of equipment installed for Rick to be removed.

I know I will have a hard time when I go back and see it changed. It will trigger a whole bunch of emotions and memories you can be sure.

Our little 3 year old granddaughter spent part of the day with me on her birthday and of all things she asked me out of the blue for was a bird. There were a bunch of them in a container and she picked out a "humming bird". She just hung on to it all the way home. She had no way of knowing what that "humming bird" meant to me. Another memory!!!! Little things that we take for granted each day are monumental when they become memories of a loved one. So enjoy absolutely EVERY little thing!

Joan here..."Home Invasion...what next?"

This past week has been very challenging and interesting all at the same time. Yesterday, I can really say that Thanksgiving was very hard. I was surrounded by wonderful family but missing Rick is unbelievable. The longing to talk to him, feel his arms around me, laughing together over stupid things....it never goes away.

One thing about having a terminal disease is that it gives absolutely EVERY one who wants to take the opportunity to talk to the person who is dying an opportunity to do so. They can never say they didn't have a chance for closure. We all knew Rick was dying. Just like for him...if he wanted to talk to anyone he had 2 1/2 years to do it. Most people don't have that chance especially if they are in an accident or have a sudden heart attack or something. Rick was so fortunate that way and he knew it. We talked many times about all of this.

I decided to take up an offer that was made to me to house sit. Well, what an experience!
I am in the south end of Wpg in a supposedly very nice safe area and.....
That night, I felt prompted not to sleep in the master bedroom but rather sleep in a lower level of a multi split home on the sofa. As it turned out that was the best thing I could have ever done!

As the evening progressed sleep would not come...which was a blessing....I got on the computer with the television going in the background. All of a sudden there were sounds coming from the upper level at the front door. It took me a few minutes to catch on...it was around 4:00 am in the morning and I realized that was someone trying to break in the front door!!!! At first I thought maybe I should just hide and see ...then I heard a voice say " call 911". Yeah Rick!!! That is exactly what I did...interesting how I felt like I didn't want to bother anybody....yikes!!!! Anyways, the operator kept me on the phone asking me if I was all alone....etc...etc...she was so great with me! I turned on the lower level light which would shine up through to the front door. I guess that shocked the intruder somewhat and off he went.

Three squad cars came out to block the streets. Long story short they chased a man dressed in black riding a bike minutes away from here on one of the pathways that join the bays. He eluded them and they even brought the canine in but too late...He was gone!

In between all of this, I was online with an Australian friend who was so afraid for me as I was in conversation with her as this was unfolding. Alaina had just lost her husband to ALS, and has two young children, and knew I was potentially in trouble. She hung in there until I was done with the police and knew that I was okay. We are talking Canada and Australia!!! Modern technology!!!

I was so amazed as this afternoon, the police victim crime's unit even phoned to see how I was doing...wow...kudoos to Winnipeg Police Department!!!!

Tomorrow, I am meeting an old special friend of Rick and mine for lunch. Rick and I have a lot of history with him and then I am back to my place for a couple of days. I was wondering how come I was feeling so sad today and then realized...it has been 5 days since I am home...wow...I made it 5 days!!! I have been invited by Rick's wonderful cousins to spend time with them at the lake. So this weekend I'm off there and then back to Winnipeg for a week.

It doesn't take away from the loneliness but I do have a real sense of Rick's being walking with me. I did have a thought though...if anything would have happened to me during the break in...hey..I would have just got to be with Rick sooner...so fear doesn't reign in me...love does!!!

I also got to talk to my friends by skype today all the way from Europe. How cool is that? I could see them and talk to them. Maybe Europe is in my future???? Rick and I always wanted to go to Greece and the Rock of Gibraltar. Never say never!!!!

Joan here..."Thanksgiving Day without Rick"

Really if you think about it Thanksgiving Day should be every day....always being thankful.....that is easy to do when things are all going good...but it sure is another thing when they are not....that is where the rubber meets the road....when I thought about the upcoming Thanksgiving Day I wondered how I could even really be truly thankful this year. As I allowed myself to even think about it further this is what came to mind...

First of all this Thanksgiving I am so thankful that my husband Rick no longer has to lay there paralysed from his neck down and that his spirit is free to soar with the angels on high!

I am so thankful for the wonderful, loving and fun almost 14 years that Rick and I shared together.

I am thankful for all the wonderful memories I have of my dear husband Rick.

This is my first Thanksgiving without Rick and I have been remembering all the different times and things he enjoyed. He especially loved turkey and would always make this super duper dressing using a variety of fresh herbs from our garden. He would also add almonds to give it a bit of a crunch. We used to cook together all the time. We loved working side by side in the kitchen always inventing new dishes together.

I am Thankful for the time I got to spend at the cemetery today basking in the beautiful warm sunshine. I have lots of memories of Rick and I going there over the years and walking around and looking at all the people he knew who had passed and he would tell me all the stories about each one of them. The last time we were there it was so emotional as he could barely walk even with using (Max) the cane. It was one of the very last times he ever walked. I filmed him as he walked and talked. That footage is so precious to me now. When I was there today I was full of all those cherished memories.

I am thankful for all our children, grandchildren, family and friends near and far, the friends I have now all across the world, all the professionals of every kind who have so kindly been there for Rick and I these past years and for all the people who surrounded us in prayer when we were hanging on by a thread.

I am thankful for all the people who dared to open up their hearts and lives and blog so that when Rick and I started on this journey we could read them and be encouraged or informed. It helped us so much at the time. We spent hours desperately searching to find people we could identify with who were going through or had gone through this walk. That is why I have chosen to continue to blog even after Rick's passing. If in any small way someone who has lost a spouse or is going to lose a spouse to a terminal disease can find some comfort or insight in reading this blog it has been worth it all!

I am thankful for my health. After going through the last 2 1/2 years taking care of Rick it has given me first hand experience at seeing how precious our health really is. We should not take it for granted. I am still amazed that in those years both Rick and I never got sick! Not even a cold!

I am thankful that Rick and I withstood the hurricane winds of daily challenges pounding against us through the disease of ALS. We did not allow this disease to destroy our faith in God or our love for each other. Rick and I were a team and we faced everything together. We both learned to walk each day trusting that God's grace would be sufficient for the day. If we would try and go beyond a day in our thinking we would just become overwhelmed by it all. It is the same grace that keeps me now...God's grace is sufficient for me and I keep bringing my thoughts back to that one hour at a time...one day at a time....

I am so thankful I have had -
...an earthly father who loved, accepted and forgave me totally.
...an earthly husband who loved, accepted and forgave me totally!!!
I am so thankful that we ALL HAVE an Heavenly father who LOVES, ACCEPTS and FORGIVES us totally!!!

Wow!!! For all that and much much more I am so thankful for on this Thanksgiving Day!

Have a great Thanksgiving Day!

Joan here..."53 days"

Today, I spent some time with Barb who just lost her husband to cancer a year ago. Her and I go back years and years ago. We walked and talked. We both have our hurt, pain and memories!

I am off to Wpg Thursday(over 1 hour away) for three weeks to house sit! Wow!!! I am not sure I will last that long...probably I will be back and forth...I usually can't go more than 2 days away from here at a time!


It will be a good test for me if I really want to live in the big city! I keep wavering from staying out here to moving to the big city! I feel safe here....I think when you lose your husband you really want a place that you feel safe at. The people are so incredibly supportive and wonderful out here... it is just the fact that there isn't a whole lot of things to do out here.


I have resided myself to the fact that no matter what... I am staying out here over the winter for sure. Then.....????? I am still in that identity crisis mode....


I read years ago about a women who lost her husband to ALS and she moved out west and spent a season on the tourist road until she was ready to come back. It never left me....she could lose herself in a crowd.....and when she was ready she came back and started to focus.....I can honestly say I can't focus more than a moment at a time.


I sometimes think that....if only I didn't love Rick so very much...it would be so much easier. I could just skip a beat and move on......but that is not the case for me.....we were inseparable! I have my times when I really feel he is speaking to me....he uses nature!!! Dah........he loved nature.....


I have been reminiscing about many things.....all the words...all the things he spoke of.....they have all been coming back to me.......and as far as everything I have read that is what happens.


In everything about Rick and his life I have learned to TRUST. He had many opinions and thoughts but he didn't tell others...he just smiled...but he did talk to me! I got to know the Rickster as many of his close friends called him!!! He did not like to "rock the boat".

Rick was always one of those guys who found it easier to just smile! and that is exactly what he did...smile!!!!


In all the years we were together absolutely every photo that was taken he is smiling from ear to ear....when I brought that to his attention...he said " Joan, I am so happy!"


I know he is happy right now...smiling down on us all and wishing all of us well!!!! His words to me were always..."Don't worry Joan...everything is going to be all right!...Don't worry!!!" Bob Marley.

Joan here...."Today is 52 days"

How am I feeling today? Very sad, lonely, no direction, no focus and lost! I know it will pass... it is just how I am feeling right now. I will try and end this blog entry on a positive now that I got all the negative crap out! It is a beautiful sunny fall day which I can be soooo grateful for though.

On the weekend I attended a family reunion on my mom's side with a couple of hundred people present. They raised over $2,000.00 in a silent auction for my brave cousin who has been fighting cancer for a number of years now. When Rick was first diagnosed they rallied around us also so it brought back more memories. At the time it was so humbling to receive but so wonderful to be surrounded with such love.

At the reunion it was so wonderful to experience all their love, support and compassion but so incredibly emotionally stressful at the same time. I felt so lost and alone even though there were so many people around me. I still can only be in crowds for awhile then I just have to go. Usually, when I feel that tugging inside and energy dip it is time for me to get alone and just cry! Then I am good for awhile again.

As I was driving home in the early evening right when the sun was still shining bright I noticed a farmer harvesting in the field to the side of me. (not the pic on the blog) It was an incredible beautiful sight - a picture perfect taking shot. Blue sky, bright sun, golden fields as far as the eye could see and the hum of the combine. A flood of memories rolled in once again of how Rick and I would drive each fall down country roads and see if we could catch a glimpse of exactly that. Rick grew up on a grain farm and did many years of harvesting. It ran deep in his soul even though he was living in the city for years. So between gushes of tears and flashbacks I managed to make it home safely.

I have been reading books and books on grieving and widowhood. Rick's uncle Keith has been so amazing with his letters, emails, phone calls and mailing me books and books to read. He is currently on his first trip back to Vienna since he lost his soul mate Christine just over a year ago.

Some of the book titles that I have been reading are:

Healing after Loss (Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief)by Martha WhitmoreHickman

Healing a Spouse's Grieving Heart (100 practical ideas after your husband/wife dies) Alan D. Wolfelt, PH.D.

Getting to the Other Side of Grief (Overcoming the Loss of a Spouse) by Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge, R.N., Robert De Vries, Ph.D.

The Grief Recovery Handbook (Moving beyond Dearth) by John W James & Russell Friedman

A Time to Grieve (Mediations for healing after the death of a loved one) by Carol Staudacher

I found a website that has some links to other sites just click on the resource tab on this site and you will see a list http://www.griefcase.net/ . Linda Della Donna is the author of many articles, books and radio on widows and grieving. I haven't checked these other sites yet but I am sure any reading will offer something.

There are a couple of realities that keep popping up...I now belong to the "W" (Widow) club, one of which you have no choice as you automatically get a membership to it, the other is "HINCB" (he is not coming back).

I keep meeting widows where ever I go and believe me there are lots of us out there. According to stats the average age of any widow is in their 50's. Scary thought isn't it. I started thinking about that and sure enough the majority of widows become one in that time frame. They all have tears in their eyes when they talk about the memory of their beloved one. To them it is still like it just happened yesterday even if years have passed for each of them. True love is eternal!

Some of the widows try and soften the blow and tell me that "it will get somewhat easier as times goes by", and others say "I am sorry but you will always hurt from losing your husband, it never goes away, it is always there!"

I am beginning to come to accept the fact that there will NEVER be a day for the rest of my life that I won't think, long for or miss Rick from deep within my soul. I am in an identity crisis right now and I will have to learn how to live life as the new "me" whoever and whatever that will be.

So I figure with the help of Jesus and Rick I have a good chance at getting to the other side of mourning and grieving and discovering what God has for me for the remainder of my life! I am looking forward to the day when I will no longer feel dead but alive in some way again. Beauty for ashes and the oil of joy for mourning!

It is amazing to me how the little things that people do inspire hope in us when we are feeling down. Today, when I went to pay for my insurance the lady out of the blue told me about the exercise classes that they hold twice a week at the school. I have so wanted to start to slowly get involved in something to give me some focus and when I least expected it there it was!

Then once again I received some donation slips from the ALS Society from people who have donated in memory of Rick. I also received a couple of special letters. One in particular was from a grade 5 student who was so deeply affected by the presentation that Rick gave last year.

So here is to "choosing" to look upwards even when we just don't "feel" like it!