I drove back from Winnipeg last night. I actually lasted over a week without being back which was in itself incredible. I could feel the pulling and longing to come back home though these past few days. It was so dark outside and the roads were quite isolated so by the time I got back I was feeling pretty isolated and lonely but anxious to get back to "our" place.
I hesitantly walked in to our place as I really didn't want to face the lift being removed. I found the lift gone and a new set of regular stairs in its place. I burst into tears as this was the last piece of installed medical equipment to go of Rick's. Once again bittersweet! On the positive side I can actually walk up and down regular stairs instead of the aluminum ones. Jake did a really great job with building the new stairs. When I talked to Jake about when he took out the lift he said he himself had a really emotional time removing it.
We do still have the special radio built into the wall and that needs to be returned. It belongs to Garth, Rick's bro. He had installed it for Rick when we first moved here. Not sure about all the components that go along with it though.
Back to when I arrived last night. Once I got over the initial adjustment of the new stairs in place I headed over to see the kids. Val and Tia were there and I was received with some big hugs. Today, both the little girls told me that they really missed me while I was gone. I asked them what they missed??? They said "Just you grandma being here". I sure enjoyed that comment!
My time away had me very busy....driving out to Carman, Sperling, Fort Whyte Centre, visiting and lots of fantastic evenings out with so many family and friends. They all kept me so busy and full.
On one of those nights out while sitting around a huge bond fire surrounded by some family but mostly strangers and a band playing in the background I suddenly felt like Rick was sitting right next to me on the bench. I felt so warm and full of love from him. It was like we were both enjoying the surroundings together like we used to. I felt so normal for those few precious minutes. I wanted to stay in that moment forever!
I have agreed to be filmed some more in the next while in regards to what is happening in my life and how I am doing now that my sweetheart Rick is gone. I agreed to do that in hopes that maybe someone in some small way would benefit by it. From a pure vanity perspective on my part... after looking at the last filming episodes...yikes...the stress of this past 2 1/2 years has definitely taken its toll!
I dread the coming winter and keep thinking thoughts of how I am going to move forward. Remember those days when you were about to finish high school and you had this big world out there and how were you now going to have to fit into it....everyone would ask...so what are you going to do now? well that is where I am at!
I am still busy reading and reading biographies and still trying to come to the realization of some sort that my Ricki is really gone and I have to learn how to live the rest of my life without him here in the body. I know in my heart that I need to trust God to open doors and lead me in this next part of the journey but my mind and emotions still want to be sad, cry and grieve. I also know by widows talking to me that this incredible missing of Rick will never end but that I will in time learn better how to adapt and live with this new me.
I keep reminding myself this is all so new....it is only 2 months and 12 days...not to be anxious about tomorrow....one step at a time....even though it is just a pinkie toe some days....but anything forward is going in the right direction. Some days I would rather pull the blankets over my head and just stay there. Those are the days I tell myself to just get up and get a cup of coffee...then when I do that...I tell myself to get dressed...then when I accomplish that I tell myself to go and get the mail....all the mean while my mind is saying okay I will but then I will go back to bed...but as I keep challenging myself to do just one more thing pretty soon I forget about crawling back to bed.
In saying all of this, please do know that I fully understand there are millions of other people in the world who are in way way more worse and even sadder situations than I. There are billions of people who have already gone before me on this journey of grieving and loss. So please be kind to me in trying to understand that I am just writing down what I am experiencing as I walk through the days, months after losing my husband.
The weekends are the hardest for me. I think that is because that was the time where Rick and I would always try and abandon boring daily routines and try and do other things together. Towards the end we couldn't just get away or do something really exotic like go out for supper together :) but we would still have a plan even if it meant to not answer our phone, no company and just stay in our pj's for the day and watch movies and snuggle. It was our little getaway!
Before Rick got sick he and I used to laugh how crazy we were. We would be up to our necks in doing some project or another and one of us would on the spur of the moment suggest...hey, why don't we head out to such and such a place... with out hesitation the other one of us would say "sure great idea lets go for it!" and within minutes we would have the tools put away and be packed up and gone!!! I have so many special crazy memories of Rick and I doing that!
Brings to mind some more of Rick's traits....F (fun) U (understanding) N (never boring)!
