I can hardly believe it is three months since I have seen my sweetheart! Every day is like a blur! It seems like an eternity since we have been together. I miss all those little special things each day that we shared. He couldn't do anything much towards the end but he could still talk and boy did we talk. Rick shared about his life from beginning to end, all his memories good and bad. We always laughed so much when we were alone together. He was my best friend ever!
My daughter Jen found this poem written by Constance Jenkins.
Weep not for me though I am gone
Into the gentle night
Grieve if you will, but not for long
Upon my soul's sweet flight.
There is no need for tears.
I am at peace, my soul is at rest
There is no pain, I suffer not,
For with your love I was so blessed.
I am in a place of comfort
The fear now is gone.
Put those things out of your thoughts,
In your memory I live on.
Remember not my fight for breath
Remember not the strife
Please do not dwell upon my death
But celebrate my life.
By Constance Jenkins
I miss the laughter, Rick's funny little sayings. Just hearing his voice. I hear it now but not the same. His words often say "don't worry babette...everything is going to be okay". In the midst of some of the storms in our life he would always tell me...don't worry everything is going to be okay!" I used to tell him...yeah you can say that because you aren't going to be around to deal with it anymore. He would just laugh and then would say "Well, I don't want to go, I just want to be here with you!"
I am no further ahead right now in what I am looking at doing or where I am going to live. I am just doing. Not that I want to complain as there is still so much to be thankful for. But bottom line is that I am chosing to put one foot in front of the other all the time. My feelings are pretty numb right now.
I have going through some of my computer files and came across one of the last letters Rick wrote to me and it is just so unbelievable what he wrote to me. All I did was cry reading it! I cherish each and every letter he has written that is for sure.
I have been also going through my many many picture albums of us. I can't believe how emotional that can be as each picture holds an incredible memory of our time together. We did so much during that time...wow! I am so glad for that now. We went to so many different places, met so many wonderful people, we really hit the pedal to the metal as Rick would say! I posted one of the pics I came across as I have so many memories of he and I dancing.
I am invited to a retirement supper tonight so I am going. I just don't have the "single" thing down right now. It is very stressful. I am so used to Rick and I sitting at a table and talking and being a couple. Now it is just me!
When I was in Winnpeg the last time I had a man ask me what I was doing that evening and if I would be interesting in meeting with him. Kinda like a date. I was so shocked. That threw me off...that came out of no where in my thinking. Never mind the fact that I continually look like a truck hit me... I would like to have some friends and just talk but not going out on a date that is for sure. I am just emotionally existing from day to day so anything added to that is over the top. Rick is always on my mind.
I know people meet other people and start a new life and I am so happy for them. For me it will be nearly an impossible thing. The loneliness is probably what drives people to reaching out to start another relationship. Loneliness is very real when you are used to being with someone 24/7 for years. Rick talked a lot about that to me before he died. He said he would be very jealous but he wanted me to have a life. He even talked to Jake about me having a life on his death bed and gave him specific advice, etc.
I am being very volunerable and probably stupid writing this all so I hope it is understood in the right spirit.
I have been the brunt of some pretty wicked lies told about me in the past. I have been wondering if the people who have said "God showed them such and such" ....and have said that to many people...thus spreading the untruths. Do these "in the name of God people" every go back to all the people who originally heard their lies in the name of God and admit that it actually was not God? Just a thought.
Just because people come in the name of God doesn't mean what they are doing or saying is God? Somehow, there needs to be more of a gift of discernment operating and sought after in the body of Christ before desiring any of the other gifts ie prophecy, word of knowledge etc.
The untruths spoken about another person can have a snow balling effect and when spread get more and more elaborate and outrageous in nature. So here is to seeking after a gift of discernment first! God is good! He doesn't have any other motive in HIS heart but pure LOVE! That is why when God speaks... He speaks forgiveness, redemption and love! And if that is not what you are hearing...run for your spiritual life!
Well now that I am standing on my soap box I better duck!
Here's to looking forward to eternity where we can always walk in pureness of heart! Loving and missing you Ricki!
