I never dreamed I could have made it this long without Ricki. It is 6 months today since he passed and my first Valentine's Day tomorrow without him.
These dates are very raw reminders how our life together as we knew it has forever changed. These dates are a reminder of our dreams and plans that will never be. Every couple of days I still have my break down times. They usually last for a couple of days. I am finding out first hand that everything is a choice!
When I think of Rick which is most of the time....I am so amazed at how strong, brave and loving he truly was as a man even till the end! In the last year of his life I was so exhausted with just the physical daily care for him and the internal stress of knowing we may not have a tomorrow together. I didn't always see everything with a balanced perspective. A lot of tunnel vision. When you are barely hanging on to your own sanity with all the ups and downs this disease brings into your life, as a wife, I didn't have anytime to be reflective or concerned about anything other than getting Rick through his day with as much dignity and care as I could.
While going through some of our stuff awhile ago I came across a bag full of new Valentine Day Cards. I then remembered how Rick had told me he had gone out and bought me a bunch so when he was gone I would always have a new one to open each year from him. So when I found them all I did was cry and cry and hugged the package of cards. I have kept them in the bag without reading them. I did manage to count them and I have one for each year till I am 86 years old!!!!
Valentine Day for us was an "us time"! I am truly amazed how even after death he arranged for me to have an "us time". I have so many very romantic memories and times he so thoroughly surprised me with! So every year I will get to read and see something new that he had picked out for me....what a wonderful gift of love he put into place for me! It won't bring him back...but his thoughtfulness eases the pain of the loss for the day. It is something tangible!
A few lines taken from this year's card....
"...but if you're ever uncertain
of how much I care,
just "listen" to my heart..."
Missing you my dear Valentine!!!! I love everything you once were and everything you continue to be now!!!!
