Joan here..."A very brave lady named Mavis passed away last night"

My heart and soul go out to Ron, Ted & Bernice at the loss of their beloved wife and sister Mavis. Mavis passed away last night from lung cancer. She fought and fought and fought the disease and lived beyond what they told her she would. She was a positive person and full of faith! She did everything she knew to fight it. She almost made it to her grandchild's first birthday. She followed strict diets and even went down south for all those special treatments. I had the luxury and pleasure of her calling me a couple of months ago and talking and talking. She wanted to live!

I have just passed the 8th month benchmark of Rick's passing so this news is even more grievous than ever for me. My Ricki also fought and fought and believed with all his might....he too wanted to live!

I have decided to try and keep myself busy so I won't be sitting on my kids doorsteps every week. Whitemouth is where I feel my last heart beat was. Every time I go to where Rick and I were last together I am so emotional and overwhelmed in my being. I cry driving to town and I cry leaving town. My missing him, my last memories of us there, our home at the time, I want to run into that very place as fast as I can and just run back into his arms just one more time!

The loneliness is unreal! I have gotten so sad and distraught at times. Everything I have read on grieving is confirming this is all just very normal. I have been volunteering this past few weeks and I also got myself a short term paying position. Hopefully, I will be able to focus long enough to accomplish the task that I need to perform for the time being.

I really have experienced the saying "until you walk in some one's shoes you really can't even know what they are going through". The emotional ups and downs, the brokenness, the sadness, the loneliness, the confusion, the desire to be around those you feel you can trust with your true feelings and will not judge you, just wanting others to listen to you without running around with what you have told them, having the unrealistic expectation that others will perceive and understand your needs, feelings and deep loss intuitively. It is amazing at the vulnerability, the easiness in which you can be so hurt when others "don't get it". I never "got it" either before.

If you are around someone who just lost a loved one I just encourage you to be forgiving, kind, patient, understanding and tender! Even though they maybe irrational at times, unrealistic at times, angry at times, demanding at times, lonely at times, wanting to talk and talk at times, forgetting what what was just said two minutes earlier at times.....Hey, that is sure me! And that is all part of my grieving...I know... it just plain old sucks!!!

I am missing you Ricki this Easter time...remembering us decorating and cutting out those big 7 foot Easter bunnies, cooking together, and planning the Easter hunts! All the while never forgetting the true meaning of Easter....the power of Jesus dying on the cross and forgiving us all for absolutely ALL our sins! I am so thankful that as a couple we both believed in HIS love for us!

Happy Easter everyone....Sending love and big hugs from all of us here on planet earth to all our loved ones who have gone on before us at this special time!

Where am I at? Not sure if I can be really really be real about that... Here goes what I can say....I miss my darling wonderful husband every moment of the day...without exception ever!!!!!!! He is not here and I have to learn how to cope without him...."key word" "cope". I am trying to focus on other things beside me....not always easy...but I AM trying! I could cry at the mention of his name! I think that will never ever change! I am busy with trying to get family members to doctors appointments, hospital visitations, volunteering as much as I can, filling in the blanks with working at a temporary job position....just plain old trying to keep busy. As far as getting and keeping a job position it is most difficult as my concentration is so dependable on the day! I am so thankful for the various family members of Rick's family who have continued to be a source of strength and encouragement to me. They really loved Rick and honour him in every way they can! They are such an source of encouragement to me!!! Thank You!!!! It is going on 8 months and I can just not believe I made it this far without him..........I feel his presence all the time....I know he is here to help me get through this. We will be together again in eternity...he will meet me on that special park bench!!! I keep hearing his words...it will be okay "babette". When I am down and out and feeling lonely...his words come flooding back to my soul..