14 months after my sweetheart Ricki has passed and how am I doing? Hard to answer that as it is so multi faceted! There isn't a morning or a night when I don't say good morning sweetheart, I miss you so much! and good night to my sweetheart Ricki---I miss you soooooooo much!!! I could cry at the drop of a hat as they say when I really stop to think of him! When I come into my place the first thing I do is say "I am here honey!!!" as I look at his picture standing on the kitchen counter.
I have the hope, the assurance and the confidence that we will see each other again one day and that is what keeps me! I thank God for the teaching I received early on in my life that has enabled and empowered me this way! God is a good God! (Thank you Jim Richards for that teaching!!!)
I have been trying to bring some organization to my stacks of unpacked belongings. Each time I open even the smallest of boxes I go into a tail spin. Each box has memories and treasures that belonged to Rick, things Rick and I shared together. I unpacked a box that had Rick's sunglasses and favorite sun tan lotion tonight and I just cried and cried as I held these precious things in my hands. So many beloved memories. The suntan lotion was expired but how could I get the courage to just throw it away? It was a bottle that he chose and he bought! If I threw it away was I just throwing Rick away? the memory of Rick away? Crazy you might think but that is the process of what my mind was going through!
The sunglasses and the sun lotion all have memories attached to them. I really think I can understand on a very small level what hoarders go through when they depart with their "stuff". Each item has a moment...a memory of a time attatched to it!
I attempted today to try and start a serious sort through some boxes. I just couldn't. I stood there and sobbed after opening just the first box! I know....why should this be so difficult??? but until you go through it you can't even imagine! Before this I know I couldn't that is for sure! It is like if I unpack this box and sort through it then I will never have another box to unpack again of Rick's. It is so difficult to explain! Even in writing this I know that God is bigger, that this is only "stuff". I know in my mind but my heart just screams something else.
To all of you who have lost loved ones who where close to you I know you will understand what I am saying here. Never would I have ever dreamed what it is like to be separated from your soul mate, the love of your life, the one who was always there for you, the one who always encouraged you, the one who always said you were so beautiful even when your hair was a greasy mess and you were wearing grubby sweats, and looking haggard and tired! A toast to you my darling beloved Ricki!!!!!!!!! I miss you so much!!!!!!!
