Joan here..."Rick's First Christmas in Heaven"

This picture was taken by me last year on Dec. 24, 2009. Rick's last Christmas on earth.

Another first...Christmas will never be the same! Once again for me...and everyone else who really loved him. I miss Rick like crazy! I miss the little things he did every Christmas. He always made sure he would have fresh flowers or a plant sent and a love note.

We would enjoy the pleasure of watching the annual amaryllis plant grow like crazy and bloom. We have had the same bulb for years now. I can't believe I even remembered to plant it once again and it is sure growing. It is actually a fun plant as it grows inches each day. Instant gratification! Then we would always discuss beforehand what we wanted to do for Christmas for gifts for each other. He was a very very romantic kind of guy so I got some really wonderful gifts over the years from Rick.

We usually would have our Christmas get togethers with our family early in the month of December so the kids would be free to go to the other parent's gatherings. Then we would go off somewhere for a couple of days alone. This past couple of years we couldn't do that so we would enjoy Christmas Eve with the carollers coming to the door, have a fire burning in the wood stove and just spending time together. Christmas Day Jake and Val would have us over for Christmas dinner.

I don't have a stove in our suite so cooking a turkey dinner was out of the question. That was one thing Rick loved doing was making the dressing and turkey. We loved cooking together. He would always add some of the herbs that we had grown in our vegetable garden.

This year I spent Christmas Eve with Jen, Clif and family and celebrating the news of a little one coming in the new year. Christmas Day was spent with Jake and Val and the girls. We lite some candles in remebrance of Rick. The suite is just not the same without Rick. I am really trying to do more than go through the motions of Christmas. I am very aware of being the extra person around and I don't want to take away from the kids having their Christmas with their kids. They are all so good to me but I have to learn now how to adjust to these social gatherings without my husband.

I came across this poem and I can't really find the true story of who wrote it so I will list it as author unknown.

For Rick I rejoice that he no longer suffers with not being able to walk, struggling for a breath, not being able to feed himself or even being able to hug his loved ones. He is free in his spirit to experience all that God has for him...and for that I am thankful and rejoice for him.

"My First Christmas in Heaven"

I see the countless Christmas trees

Around the world below

With tiny lights, like Heaven's stars

Reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular.

Please wipe away the tear

For I am spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs

That people hold so dear

but the sounds of music can't compare

With the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,

the joy their voices bring.

For it's beyond description,

to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,

I see the pain inside your heart,

but I am not so far away,

We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me dear ones,

You know I hold you dear.

And be glad I'm spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,

From my heavenly home above

I sent you each a memory

Of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift more precious

Than pure gold.

It was always most important

In the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,

As my Father said to do,

For I can't count the blessings or the love

He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas

And wipe away that tear.

Remember, I'm spending Christmas

With Jesus Christ this year.

Merry Christmas to everyone and special hugs to those people whose loved ones are spending Christmas with Jesus this year!

Joan here..."4 months today Ricki"

What am I doing as a widow (hate that word) four months after losing my beloved? Not much of any one thing but lots of little things.

I have been helping my mom and sisters organize our annual Christmas gathering. It has been difficult emotionally walking through it as it brings up so many memories of my past Christmases with Rick and especially of my last Christmas with Rick. Last year my family all came here as Rick was unable to go there. They brought the whole Christmas dinner and and and....lots of memories!

I just came through my first being sick without Rick. From the day he was diagnosed till now he or I never suffered from a cold or flu. So when this bug hit.....I was down for the count! Today is 6 days later and I am back on my feet! What was so incredible to me was that Rick knew I hated being alone when I am sick and we talked about when he wouldn't be here and I would be on my own. Well....it was lonely....but during this week I had numerous dreams of him. I really believe he was here for me. Not in the way I would prefer but he was here!.

Everything I do here is with so much emotion as Rick is here everywhere I look. A part of me is so fearful if I move that he won't be in my new place. That sounds so absurd I know but that is how I feel at times. There is so much comfort to me when I round the familiar bend in the highway coming into town knowing I am only a few minutes from home after being away for awhile. Will I find the same comfort if I move? Once I go...it will never be the same....I can't recreate the time, intimate moments, memories and space that Rick and I last shared together here. Is moving away from here leaving him? all kinds of questions and feelings pop up some rational and some so very not rational!

Looking back I am so thankful we had spent so many many hours together talking. Talking about him and his wishes now and in the years to come, talking about how on earth I was going to live on and how I was going to do it without him. Through our talks together there was a planting of seeds of reassurance and direction deep within my heart. We promised each other we would always be there for each other forever! ALS would not rob our love or relationship. It just would have a few new curves now. It is something that just happens deep within my heart when I need him...he is here for me! He always told me that "Joan you are the one in the whole world that really knows and understands who I am and I will always be there for you."

Today, it is 4 months since Rick has passed. Do I still cry? you betcha!!! Do I want to scream and yell? you betcha! and do I? You betcha!!! I trust God that even though it feels like it will be forever before I will see Rick again that He will make it somehow in a blink of an eye and we will be together forever once again.

I have read where I need to allow myself to acknowledge each day, month or year of your loved one's passing in your own special way. So for this 4 month milestone I chose to light a whole bunch of candles, put his picture in the middle, put a special piece he and I found in the Dominican of a man and woman kissing and completing a type of circle making them one. We had looked long and hard to find something that represented us. So it has some real special memories and meanings to Rick and I. We had found this inexpensive piece at some souvenir tienda along the ocean side and it was "us". It is such a heavy piece that I still don't know how we managed to bring it back and all in one piece.

And as our tradition, we would always have a toast. "With tears of joy my dearest Ricki that your suffering is over...and tears of deep sadness for me my love that you are no longer physically here. Keep that bench warm babe and that sea of glass clear for that dance!"