What am I doing as a widow (hate that word) four months after losing my beloved? Not much of any one thing but lots of little things.
I have been helping my mom and sisters organize our annual Christmas gathering. It has been difficult emotionally walking through it as it brings up so many memories of my past Christmases with Rick and especially of my last Christmas with Rick. Last year my family all came here as Rick was unable to go there. They brought the whole Christmas dinner and and and....lots of memories!
I just came through my first being sick without Rick. From the day he was diagnosed till now he or I never suffered from a cold or flu. So when this bug hit.....I was down for the count! Today is 6 days later and I am back on my feet! What was so incredible to me was that Rick knew I hated being alone when I am sick and we talked about when he wouldn't be here and I would be on my own. Well....it was lonely....but during this week I had numerous dreams of him. I really believe he was here for me. Not in the way I would prefer but he was here!.
Everything I do here is with so much emotion as Rick is here everywhere I look. A part of me is so fearful if I move that he won't be in my new place. That sounds so absurd I know but that is how I feel at times. There is so much comfort to me when I round the familiar bend in the highway coming into town knowing I am only a few minutes from home after being away for awhile. Will I find the same comfort if I move? Once I go...it will never be the same....I can't recreate the time, intimate moments, memories and space that Rick and I last shared together here. Is moving away from here leaving him? all kinds of questions and feelings pop up some rational and some so very not rational!
Looking back I am so thankful we had spent so many many hours together talking. Talking about him and his wishes now and in the years to come, talking about how on earth I was going to live on and how I was going to do it without him. Through our talks together there was a planting of seeds of reassurance and direction deep within my heart. We promised each other we would always be there for each other forever! ALS would not rob our love or relationship. It just would have a few new curves now. It is something that just happens deep within my heart when I need him...he is here for me! He always told me that "Joan you are the one in the whole world that really knows and understands who I am and I will always be there for you."
Today, it is 4 months since Rick has passed. Do I still cry? you betcha!!! Do I want to scream and yell? you betcha! and do I? You betcha!!! I trust God that even though it feels like it will be forever before I will see Rick again that He will make it somehow in a blink of an eye and we will be together forever once again.
I have read where I need to allow myself to acknowledge each day, month or year of your loved one's passing in your own special way. So for this 4 month milestone I chose to light a whole bunch of candles, put his picture in the middle, put a special piece he and I found in the Dominican of a man and woman kissing and completing a type of circle making them one. We had looked long and hard to find something that represented us. So it has some real special memories and meanings to Rick and I. We had found this inexpensive piece at some souvenir tienda along the ocean side and it was "us". It is such a heavy piece that I still don't know how we managed to bring it back and all in one piece.
And as our tradition, we would always have a toast. "With tears of joy my dearest Ricki that your suffering is over...and tears of deep sadness for me my love that you are no longer physically here. Keep that bench warm babe and that sea of glass clear for that dance!"
