Joan here..." 18 mos later and 2nd Valentine's Day without my Ricki!!!:

This should all be getting easier right???? NOT!!!!!

It is 18 months since my sweetheart has gone and it is so difficult at times to live without Ricki. I miss him so much and I am so lonely at times without him! He was and is and will always be the true love of my life!!! We both knew that!!!

I was just talking to some people today who knew him briefly and they mentioned their memory of him to me and how wonderful and loving he was to me. I love it when we can talk about him freely!!! Their memory of Rick was how they saw us one evening dancing together and how he looked at me and how I looked at him and how they were amazed at what we were like together. When this lady shared that with me I just cried and cried because I remembered that specific evening and I know what we had together. For her to just put it all into words from an outsider's perspective was so incredibly moving!!!! That is her thoughts and memories of Rick and I together! That is exactly what I carry in my heart all the time!

I couldn't write anything on this Valentine's Day or on the 13th as it is still all so painful, Rick and I talked about this time after he would pass and how I would find it all so difficult.....There isn't a day that goes by where I don't talk to him, think of him, and wish he was here. I know that will never change!!!! In the meantime we just learn to survive and carry on. I did dig out of the bag this year's Valentine's Day card from him that he purchased when he was diagnosed!!! That in itself was so heart gripping!!!! I only have till I am 80 years old to have that honour of getting a Valentine's Day Card from him!!!!I just continually thank God for him doing that for me!!!!

I have had recently numerous opportunities in many areas to connect with others but I struggle with the ongoing fact "nothing compares to him". So it is something I have to overcome.

My sweatheart is a prince, was a prince and will always be a prince...think about it...he resides in Heaven!!!! You never get into a relationship with a widow as her spouse dwells in "heaven". :) Rick would get a great kick out of that one!!!!

I have so many questions to ask God about life and death...as we all do especially when we lose a loved one. But I have learned to somehow..not to try and figure that out but to trust God that he knows the beginning to the end and that HE so loves us all!!!!

Recently, a friend lost a son to suicide...I can't even imagine how these wonderful people are dealingwith it! Bottom line....it is not their fault!!! Why is it when someone dies we take it upon ourselves that it is somehow our fault!!!! or that we could have done more. rescued them, or, or, or....just maybe that person was in so much pain that they just couldn't handle it anymore....and for whatever reason they just couldn't burden their loved ones with it....I really understand that now!!!!

Trust God in all things no matter how painful, no matter what our thoughts are in it, no matter how we feel....we DO NOT know the end of all of this!!!!!

Joan here..."Feb 1 st today, yes...4 years"

Every time a day that has a significant memory attached to it is coming up I can feel a dip in my being. I get sad and I just mope around! I don't even have to look at the calender. It is just there. I start to mourn. When that happens to me I just go to the calender and check the date and yep....it has meaning!

It is 4 years today that my Ricki was diagnosed with ALS. If you read our blog archive about that day you will see how that day changed our life forever. That day we knew it was the worst day of our life but we had now idea what it would be like to walk it out and what would lie ahead for us!

And now here I am 4 years later from that date, on my own with Ricki gone and the worst has come to pass. It is still like a nightmare of sorts! How can one prepare for the road that lays before you when you are diagnosed with a rapidly progressive terminal disease? In plain English...You Can't! It doesn't matter what kind of disease your loved one is diagnosed with, no one can grasp it!

All I can say is that you just learn to walk it day by day...why? you just don't have a choice....when you are so deeply in love all you can think of is how are we going to walk this through together.

Even when you are handed the death sentence you still have hope....hope that you can over come this...maybe, just maybe it will go away...In our case, it did not go away and everything they said about this horrible disease came to pass. Rick lived 6 months beyond what the prognosis was. In this disease that was a miracle!

We cherished every moment we had together. Even if it meant we could just only look at each other and smile and whisper to each other sweet nothings we knew it was an incredible blessing and gift. My dear husband could talk until the end and that is what he believed God for and that is what we had!!! For that he and I were so grateful for!!!!

It is like and incredible dream to me...so numbing....so unbelievable but yet so real as I have to face each day without my beloved!!!!

I will never forget each moment of that day Ricki what we went through together! And yes Ricki, I am so glad that we "liked" each other!!!!

Love you forever my sweetheart!!!