Joan here..."15 sec commercial CTV"

This pic is a pic of the Amaryllis bulb that Rick and I would plant every year for the last couple of years. He found so much joy in seeing how every year a new bloom would grow. This has just blossomed and there are other blooms that are coming up. This pic doesn't really do justice to how majestic this plant is.

Just recently I found out that they are running a 15 sec. commercial to campaign for ALS awareness on CTV Winnipeg. It actually aired today during the Oprah Winfrey Show commercials as I was talking to Rick's mom and dad. Talk about timing! Ken and Alice Simpson, Brian and Kathy Cava, and Rick and I are shown in the clip. To our great sadness and loss all three guys are gone. It is so incredible to us wives to even think they are no longer here!

I am going to try and post the link of the copy of the commercial in case you don't get to see it. www.tripwiremedia.com/client/ALS/ Allow a couple of minutes for it to buffer once you click on it.....(Click on the ALS 15 second one).

Joan here..."5 months today"

As I sit and type this I glance back and forth towards the picture I have of Rick sitting on my desk. And as usual his big grin and shinning eyes catch my breath! Today, is the 5 th month since Rick passed away. It is almost half a year since I have talked to him. I have debated whether or not to continue blogging but tell myself to hang in there till the first year.

Nothing has really changed much in how I am feeling other than I don't think about Rick every 5 minutes like I did at first. I still cry but not as much or as often. I am still exhausted and I know that will take time. I definately have trouble remembering what I am suppose to do next or what had just taken place. All part and parcel of this thing called "grieving". It has really helped me having the family and friends support that has been very present in my life since Rick's passing.

I have packed up pretty much everything of Rick's clothing etc. So I only have a jacket and a pair of his slippers in the closet right now. I am surprised that I have even come this far in all of this. You don't know what is inside of you until you have to walk it. One thing is for sure, if you haven't walked it, there is no way a person could even begin to understand what it is like to lose your spouse to death.

I have been told countless times how very lucky I have been to have had such a loving relationship with Rick as that is not always the case with other marriages. That is probably why it is so hard at times as I miss our times together.

I was asked if I would be willing to answer some questions by a woman named Linda Della Donna who hosts a radio show on "Voice America" and has a web site dedicated to helping people who are grieving. The web site is http://www.griefcase.net/ . The article is located on the bottom of the page. You will recognize the picture.

More great news...Ricks daughter Colleen had a little (tongue in cheek as he weighed 9lbs 13oz) baby "Moses" in early January. Great way to start the New Year. I also found out that my daughter is expecting for this year. I am very excited as I will be able to be more available to her. It will be her 4th baby! I would not have ever believed she would have 4 children. She never was a baby person growing up!

I kept myself very busy today trying to bring some order to my place. It helped to keep my mind busy so I didn't have to do a lot of thinking. I have been writing in a journal as well and all of that helps.

Sometimes I really wonder what I will be doing and how I will be feeling when that first year comes around. I sometimes just wish the days, months and years would just fly by so that I could be on the other side of this part of the pain.

Loving and missing you Ricki....I have made it through 5 months!

"1/11/11" It would have been Rick's 58th Birthday today!

The ones symbolize to me.....this year is a year of firsts!!!! 1/11/11. All these "firsts" for me are coming in absolute bunches...Christmas, New Years, Rick's birthday, 5th month, Valentine's day and on and on and on. They say the "first" year is like that!

This past week I have been very busy with a lot on my plate and yesterday I noticed I have not been myself at all...it is so bad that on my way to a friends house I did an errand and forgot that I was suppose to stop in at her place after the errand. She had been so worried about me as I never showed up. Hey, come to think of it, I haven't been myself for the past three years...

It wasn't till today as I was driving to the cemetery that I realized that the upcoming day of Rick's birthday had been really way more stressful to me than what I had thought.

Yesterday, I went and made a floral spray that I could bring out to Sperling. The flowers were each delibertly chosen. Each colour and quantity. Each flower that I placed together and taped ushered in a flood of memories of Rick and I and what it had meant to us. I know when we do this it is actually for helping US to cope in a tangible way. It allows us to give expression of our grief and love for the loved one who has passed on.....

I am so thankful that Rick's folks have been sharing with me in so many of the "firsts" without Rick. Today, we all went for lunch together. We even went to a place where we all had a memory of having a lunch with Rick not very long ago.

Going to the cemetery today had it's own bag of emotions. Every time I go there I am reminded of how Rick would always walk around the place and tell me stories of all these people that he knew and cherished. I do have a video that I took of him the very last time he could walk going around the cemetery and how I had cried and cried taking it as I knew only to well that he too would be here in just a matter of time. I can't even imagine how he felt knowing that as he walked each step around all the tomb stones. Never mind stopping and looking at his own stone and knowing what was ahead for him shortly.

A child hood friend of Rick's contacted me today. He had intended on stopping there today but had been so consumed in taking care of his own mom. She is so ill so he said had given Rick the thumbs up as he had driven by the cemetery. I know this all sounds so weird but it meant so much to me that others are so thoughtful still of Rick's memory. I have had countless emails and etc acknowledging that today was his birthday. It has meant so much to me that people continue to keep his memory living on.

It was only three years ago today that Rick spent time talking with all the kids about his suspicion that this was ALS. It would only be two weeks later that he actually found out that he in fact had ALS. That is when our life went upside down in a second.

It is only two years ago today that we had the birthday bash with Elvis! Rick was so honored by the family and friends who could make it.

It is now today, and I have had to continually tell myself that Rick is having the best, biggest most unimaginable birthday ever!!!! If I see things that way then all I can be is just happy for him! That is where I have to leave it.........."I am so happy for him that he is no longer suffering!"

Happy Birthday my dearest wonderful husband Ricki from all of us who miss and love you from the core of our beings!!!!!

Joan here..."My first New Years Eve without Rick"

Last year I posted on December 31 some pics of all our family members who shared the same birthday on today's date. My mom, Rick's dad, my sister, my cousin, Well.....that list just grew longer. Rick's daughter Ella had a little daughter today. Rick's dad Wendal now shares his birthday with his great grand daughter "Nina". Rick would get such a kick out of that happening. I think it is wonderful news and an incredible thing to happen on the last day of what has been a very difficult year for everyone.

I spent the evening just doing nothing much. I was invited to spend the evening with Rick's dear cousins but it was so cold to drive out there and I have so much on my plate right now so I declined. I made a big toasty warm fire in the wood stove. It is so very comforting on a cold, cold evening to have a nice fire burning in the wood stove. I kissed Rick's picture countless times and wiped away the tears with each kiss. Thankfully, his picture in under glass.

I sat here feeling blue as the clock was ticking away and getting closer to moving forward into the new year. I was dreading the arrival of the new year as it meant it would mark the first new year without Rick physically here. He and I would not ever share one day together in 2011. I was spiralling downward with these thoughts as the clock ticked away. All of a sudden a skype call came in from our friends Erin & Bill from New Zealand wishing me a New Year!

I am so amazed how once again God uses people to be there at the right time and the right place. It brought such joy to my heart and cut through my sadness. In thinking about these friends I have been truly amazed. ALS has invaded Bill's body for sometime now. My heart breaks for them knowing what they are going through. How hard it is for both of them in each their own ways. Through the wonderful world of Internet we connected because of ALS. Through these past years we have shared our lives as we went along. Rick and I enjoyed reading their blog together. They were people just like us...people put in a spot that they didn't want to be in. Facing the tiger in the eye and desperately trying to over power it.

We don't always understand the whys or the how comes when having to deal with sorrow and pain but I have come to experience first hand how amidst all of it there is always a thread of goodness. That thread is what I have clung to. We just have to be open to look for it and that is not always easy when you are walking through the storm.

Tonight, when I got the "Happy New Year call" it was such a gift at the right moment. Here they are living on the opposite ends of the earth, right now experiencing hot beach weather, and already moving towards the end of New Years Day and I am experiencing -30 some with wind chill, piles of snow outside, putting wood in the stove, and heading into the New Year. As opposite as we are in so many areas we share in the same grief and pain of what ALS does to our lives, loved ones and families.

The friendship that we have developed with so many others in this situation has been gold! We may get knocked down and the wind knocked out of us from time to time but we share in the same inner strength and power that love gives. Because of our faith and the love for our loved ones we brush ourselves off and get up and keep on walking!

Erin, Alaina, Cathy, Alice, Joan M., Karen, Anna, and Mertia and everyone else who walked the walk of love and never gave up through this very difficult past year...May you each find an extra thick thread of goodness when you need it in this New Year of 2011!