We have such an openess and honesty about how we are feeling. We both knew we needed God's strength to get us through this next few hours and what may lay ahead. My husband brought us our usual morning cup of coffee in bed. We sat in bed drinking our cup of coffee and talking about all the "mightbes,maybes and maybenots" then we would go back to the usual "what is the weather like today? or do you have the clothes you are wanting to wear picked out?" All I kept thinking was I sure hope today we will finally know what is wrong with Rick. It was like a dark cloud over both of us always wondering and not knowing for sure.
Our wonderful GP for years retired earlier this year. We finally found a new one that we both had confidence in and so Rick went to see him in December 2007. He told Rick then that he thought he may have a progressive neurological muscle disease. The GP then said he would make an appointment with a Neurologist. To make a long story short----Rick decided to talk to the ALS society. They immediately informed him to ask his GP to specifically ask for a certain Neuro who specializes in ALS cases.
We both were on the internet checking out the symptoms that his body kept manifesting and we both kept coming to the dreaded and most feared ALS. We both just didn't want to go there or give it any space in our thinking at all....especially now this morning.
As I stood by the neurologist watching the little tv screen as he probed Rick's muscles on his legs, arms and back I kept thinking---this cannot be real! this cannot be happening to us! The machine was making all kinds of loud noises and I knew it was not good. His muscles in his legs and arms have been fasciculating (fluttering, moving) more and more.
We both knew something was not right for the past six months for sure. He was always so tired. His muscles on his upper leg were twitching or fluttering. He attributed it all to getting older. I began to think that I had worn the poor guy out by all my projects! Our standard joke was that I kept telling him I married a younger man than me so he could keep up to me!
At the end of the EMG (electromyography , a special recording technique that detects electrical activity in muscles) and NCT (nerve conduction test), reviewing the GP's report, MRI's, blood tests and questions and the Babinski test. **See the video**(Which is a test where you run an pointed object on the soul of your feet and yes, Rick's toes moved upward!) Not a good thing!!! Rick asked the Neuro for a prognosis knowing that the Neuro only knows so much himself but we needed to know! The neuro was very kind to us in how he dealt with us. Rick has ALS to our horror!!! It is a fatal disease. We were and are still in shock and disbelief as you can well imagine! It appears to be quite agressive so he was not too hopeful in giving us much time. Rick and I both know that God is bigger than all this!!!!
We walked out of the Neuro's office holding hands and in shock! We were surrounded by people the whole way down the elevator and not until we reached our car in the parking lot were we finally alone. We both hopped into the car as fast as we could and shut the door and looked at each other and started to cry. We just couldn't believe the words we just heard. My head was reeling with what are we going to do?....oh no! we will need to talk to our kids and families, we will have to hurry and sell the house as it will no longer be suitable for Rick, how will we take care of the business and the thoughts just kept coming and coming and rolling around in my head.
Finally, I took a deep breath and stopped myself and looked at my husband who was just handed down a death sentence. All I could see was the fear, terror and disbelief in his eyes! He is the most loving, kind, gentle and wonderful man I could have ever married! How could this be happening to him? to us? to our families? I put my arms around him and we both cried and cried. I finally looked up at him and said "I am sure glad we like each other". We both burst out laughing.
We decided that we would go straight to his parents house to talk to them. We were in an emotional stupor that is for sure. I drove the car telling Rick he was in no condition to drive. Can you imagine that? as if I was in a spot of emotional stability or something at that moment!
All I can remember about the drive is that at one point Rick asked for me to pull over onto the shoulder of the road so he could just catch a breath. I did just that and we both stopped and gave a big sigh and both started to really cry and hold each other once again. I can't even imagine the thoughts going through his mind at that point. I know I was in complete and utter shock. The word that describes it best is the dreaded overused word ---sureal!
Rick's folks are in their late seventies and we were so worried about just telling them over the phone that is why we decided to go and see them in person. They knew of the appointment with the Neuro this morning. As you can imagine they were so very heart broken for their oldest son when we told them. Rick and I always thought we would be there to care for our parents in their older age. So now we began to think about that and started crying again.
It is already March 13th now so I will try and catch up on what has all happened since that dreadful day of diagnosis as I begin this journey of blogging.
