Two Years and still so hard to believe!

It has been two years now as of the 13th of this month and it is still so hard to believe that Ricki is no longer here in person! 

I thank my family, friends and neighbours who have been most supporting, loving and kind during my darkest and saddest hours in my life! 

I don't cry like I used too but at the drop of a hat I can cry if I start to think of Rick.  The saddness and missing him will never go away.  I just have learned how NOT to stay in that place of thinking and just enjoy each day of living!  It is amazing what loneliness can achieve as a motivator in one's being.  I never dreamt how much a person can miss someone. Rick's love, his smile, his humour, his gentleness, his kind words, his warm touch, his spontinaity and on and on the list goes....

I have done some travelling and experienced some new things that I have never done before...zip lining....golfing....seadooing, quading and I even got to drive a new corvette!!!! It was a standard and I didn't even stall it on the highway!!!! 

I was invited to a bque with the Prime Minister of Canada recently and had my picture taken with him.  That was an amazing time.  I know Rick would be smiling over that one as we both campaigned together just before he got ill!






 

Joan here..." 18 mos later and 2nd Valentine's Day without my Ricki!!!:

This should all be getting easier right???? NOT!!!!!

It is 18 months since my sweetheart has gone and it is so difficult at times to live without Ricki. I miss him so much and I am so lonely at times without him! He was and is and will always be the true love of my life!!! We both knew that!!!

I was just talking to some people today who knew him briefly and they mentioned their memory of him to me and how wonderful and loving he was to me. I love it when we can talk about him freely!!! Their memory of Rick was how they saw us one evening dancing together and how he looked at me and how I looked at him and how they were amazed at what we were like together. When this lady shared that with me I just cried and cried because I remembered that specific evening and I know what we had together. For her to just put it all into words from an outsider's perspective was so incredibly moving!!!! That is her thoughts and memories of Rick and I together! That is exactly what I carry in my heart all the time!

I couldn't write anything on this Valentine's Day or on the 13th as it is still all so painful, Rick and I talked about this time after he would pass and how I would find it all so difficult.....There isn't a day that goes by where I don't talk to him, think of him, and wish he was here. I know that will never change!!!! In the meantime we just learn to survive and carry on. I did dig out of the bag this year's Valentine's Day card from him that he purchased when he was diagnosed!!! That in itself was so heart gripping!!!! I only have till I am 80 years old to have that honour of getting a Valentine's Day Card from him!!!!I just continually thank God for him doing that for me!!!!

I have had recently numerous opportunities in many areas to connect with others but I struggle with the ongoing fact "nothing compares to him". So it is something I have to overcome.

My sweatheart is a prince, was a prince and will always be a prince...think about it...he resides in Heaven!!!! You never get into a relationship with a widow as her spouse dwells in "heaven". :) Rick would get a great kick out of that one!!!!

I have so many questions to ask God about life and death...as we all do especially when we lose a loved one. But I have learned to somehow..not to try and figure that out but to trust God that he knows the beginning to the end and that HE so loves us all!!!!

Recently, a friend lost a son to suicide...I can't even imagine how these wonderful people are dealingwith it! Bottom line....it is not their fault!!! Why is it when someone dies we take it upon ourselves that it is somehow our fault!!!! or that we could have done more. rescued them, or, or, or....just maybe that person was in so much pain that they just couldn't handle it anymore....and for whatever reason they just couldn't burden their loved ones with it....I really understand that now!!!!

Trust God in all things no matter how painful, no matter what our thoughts are in it, no matter how we feel....we DO NOT know the end of all of this!!!!!

Joan here..."Feb 1 st today, yes...4 years"

Every time a day that has a significant memory attached to it is coming up I can feel a dip in my being. I get sad and I just mope around! I don't even have to look at the calender. It is just there. I start to mourn. When that happens to me I just go to the calender and check the date and yep....it has meaning!

It is 4 years today that my Ricki was diagnosed with ALS. If you read our blog archive about that day you will see how that day changed our life forever. That day we knew it was the worst day of our life but we had now idea what it would be like to walk it out and what would lie ahead for us!

And now here I am 4 years later from that date, on my own with Ricki gone and the worst has come to pass. It is still like a nightmare of sorts! How can one prepare for the road that lays before you when you are diagnosed with a rapidly progressive terminal disease? In plain English...You Can't! It doesn't matter what kind of disease your loved one is diagnosed with, no one can grasp it!

All I can say is that you just learn to walk it day by day...why? you just don't have a choice....when you are so deeply in love all you can think of is how are we going to walk this through together.

Even when you are handed the death sentence you still have hope....hope that you can over come this...maybe, just maybe it will go away...In our case, it did not go away and everything they said about this horrible disease came to pass. Rick lived 6 months beyond what the prognosis was. In this disease that was a miracle!

We cherished every moment we had together. Even if it meant we could just only look at each other and smile and whisper to each other sweet nothings we knew it was an incredible blessing and gift. My dear husband could talk until the end and that is what he believed God for and that is what we had!!! For that he and I were so grateful for!!!!

It is like and incredible dream to me...so numbing....so unbelievable but yet so real as I have to face each day without my beloved!!!!

I will never forget each moment of that day Ricki what we went through together! And yes Ricki, I am so glad that we "liked" each other!!!!

Love you forever my sweetheart!!!

Joan here..."Thank you my friends"

Thank you my friends from"Canada, United States, Germany, United Kingdom, New Zealand, Russia, Japan, France, Ukraine, Australia." It is so nice to hear from you all! I wish you all the best in this New Year 2012!!!!

It is so amazing how the internet can link us all together! If you have landed on this site because of someone you love that has ALS please let me know. My heart goes out to you!!!!

It is -2 C and snowing here right now.

So if you are living in a warm sunny climate take in all the rays you can for the rest of us!

Joan here..."Jan 16 th Check out CJNU 107.9 FM Winnipeg"

This month the ALS Society of MB is the major sponsor on the CJNU 107.9 FM Winnipeg Radio Station. They play 40's, 50's and 60's music. CJNU 107.9 FM Winnipeg is a non profit radio station. Nick Drobot aka Elvis sang a couple of songs Friday at 1:00 pm the 13th of January.

It was amazing that it was on the 13th. It is 17 months to the day that Rick has passed. Here I was sitting by the computer with Rick's dad and mom and listening to Nick sing and speak. I knew Rick would be so proud and grateful for what Nick was doing in his memory!

If you get a chance listen to the radio on CJNU 107.9 FM Radio Winnipeg Monday 9:00am. I will be speaking for a few minutes in regards to the ALS Society of MB.

If you live outside of Winnipeg or anywhere else in the world you can get it on computer by clicking on the link then clicking on a media format that works on your computer. http://www.cjnu.ca/feeds.shtml If you live in MB and have MTS TV it is on channel 725.

I pretty much have stayed away from being involved as my emotions are still very raw. I know in time I will totally immerse myself to help promote awareness and support when it comes to ALS. I just needed some time to work through my own pain. I have heard too many horror stories about people jumping right into things when a loved one passes. They bury themselves in doing and keeping busy and then all of a sudden down the road it all crashes down on them.

I have been told and I keep telling myself it is okay to take time off to grieve for however long I need. I remember years ago a woman I knew lost her husband in an tragic car accident in her 50's. When she was in her 70's it all came to a head. She became so depressed. It wasn't until she allowed herself to grieve that she came out of that depression. She also started to talk and talk about the life they had had together. I never forgot her and what had happened to her.

Rick and I hosted so many parties and gatherings over the years. We would go all out with the food and decorating and on and on. Since he has passed I have just stayed away from it all. There is no joy in any of that for me right now. So anything that I do these days I look at it as a step forward no matter how small the step.

Joan here..."Happy Birthday Ricki"

In earth years it would have been your 59th birthday today Ricki! It is so hard to wrap my head around the fact that another birthday is here and that you have been gone for 17 mos on the 13th which is this Friday. That means you are spending your 2nd Birthday as a spirit being! Free from pain or sickness!

I was imagining this morning how Rick you are probably being surrounded by all our loved ones who had passed on already. I pictured my dad talking to you about his latest invention ideas while you sat there encouraging him. I imagined you sitting in a boat fishing all the while you filling in your grandmas and grandpas on the latest news and catching up on their lives since they passed. I tried to visualize you getting to see and finally hear my grandpa's belly laughs and creative humour. I am sure his belly laughs echo through the heavens. I even imagined you having a cup of tea with grandma, and then you reminiscing with all the aunts, uncles, cousins, friends and neighbours and even getting to know the two brothers and sister that I never had a chance to get to know.

I imagined the host of all these departed loved ones gathering from all corners of the universe in the spiritual realm to celebrate not your earthly birthday but you just being with them. All the while all of you knowing how sad we would be feeling here on earth today because we all miss you so much!

As I daydreamed...my imagination grew and grew....I imagined how God would be giving you the biggest party ever! Choirs and choirs of angels singing, decorating the pearl laden room for you with real stars, everything full of the richest brightest colours that none of us have never seen before and the party room stretching out as far as one could see. Hey, maybe even Elvis would give you a special song!

Then I imagined you Rick looking around at the magnificent and awesomeness of God and His love for you and at that moment how you would be falling down to the ground and giving glory to God for the "present" that HE had given you and you had received while you lived on earth. And it is only now that that this present was being manifested in an ever eternal revealing way. .. because of the gift of eternal life through Jesus you were now in front of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords and that you could live now forever in health, happiness, wholeness and love for all eternity!

Rick you are so lucky as you now know God's plan for you in its entirety! I tried to imagine the joy on your face now in your new home, new surroundings and now experiencing the depth, breath and height of God's love!

I then imagined the moment that I would once again see you face to face my darling!

When I feel sad and missing you Ricki so much especially on these earthly remembrances of our special days....How can I not rejoice and be thankful to God for what HE has all done for especially you my darling Ricki!

You are so loved and so missed but I so rejoice in knowing who you are now all hanging out with!

Here's from earth to you darling Ricki..."Happy 59th Birthday!" I Love you!