Joan here..."Another Christmas come and gone"

It is so hard to believe that another Christmas has come and gone without being with my sweetheart. All I keep thinking is how wonderful it must be at this momemt for Rick to be enjoying and experiencing all the wonders of what God has had waiting for him all along. Rick is alive in a new way and in an indestructible body where sickness and pain can not live in! Wow!!!


Wish I could say it was the same here on earth but it is not yet to be. So how does one fill in that time? Hmmmm......... I haven't figured that out yet. It seems to be a moment to moment, day to day, week to week, month to month and now a year to year process. I have concluded though that the ones left behind have a much more difficult walk as we have to work through the grieving process. The greater you love... the greater the pain! Hmmm... so does that mean then to be on the safe side we should not love so deeply as it would be easier?


Earth is definitely a refining pot and a melting pot of sorts. As much as it has been lonely, hard and painful at Rick's passing on I would not change the time that we had together! He is my hero!!! He was the most loving, kind and gentle man I have ever met!


I have been reading a book called "When the Body Says No: The Hidden Cost of Stress…" By Gabor Mate, M.D. Rick's uncle recommended it. It has a chapter in it that talks specifically about ALS. A very thoughtful and interesting read. Rick's uncle's late wife and Rick both passed away from ALS. They both had similar earlier life experiences and dealt with them in a very similar fashion. This book also mentions other diseases ie MS etc. The book considers an emotional component to a disease not just a physical one.

Rick always kept his cards close to his chest. He would just flash his great big smile and make you feel special. I had known Rick for years before we got together as a couple but would not have ever guessed how he was really feeling inside. He would ask me many times to just go for long drives and long walks and he would talk and talk about his life. He would always want us to snuggle holding me ever so close. At first I was almost shocked at what I was all hearing as he opened up. We trusted our hearts and beings with each other!

I wish that for each of you reading this blog that you too could bare your heart and soul to your mate. That there would be nothing the two of you couldn't talk or share together. That kind of love comes with a warning though "Enter at your own risk...This may be the most painful thing you will ever experience should one of you pass on!" but I can say it is worth every tear!

This year I have experienced the love, the tenderness, the mercy of God in my sad, lonely and dark hours of missing Rick. For that I am so thankful for!

Where do I go from here? I have no idea! It is still day by day, month by month, year by year!
And as always.....
A toast to you my dearest Ricki, here's to one day sharing Christmas together once again, I Love you!!!!

Joan here..."It is 16 mos today!"

The cemetary is a place that I know is not where Rick is, but a place where his bodily remains are. It is a place where for some reason every year he would want to go and tour around and tell me the same stories of the people he knew who had passed on. He would always go there and toast those loved ones that had once walked the earth. The last time he and I went there was when he went to see his tombstomb for the first time. He had picked everything out.

He could barely walk with his cane around the cemetary. I have a video tape of him doing this. I cried the whole time I was taping it as I knew the next time I would be here Rick would be laying under his tombstone.

So hard to believe that this has all happened. I have been living in a total fog this past year for sure. Emotionally dysfunctional too boot as you can well imagine! My whole world has been shaken. Until you are put in that position it is totally impossible to even begin to comphrend it at all.

I am still in a spot in my being that I don't know what I want to do to fill in the time. It is really nice being surrounded by people who loved Rick as I did. That always brings me so much comfort to talk about his silly quirks, his great humor, his tender heart, his compassion, his romantic ways, his special surprises.

Every time that I hear of someone losing someone who they loved and were so close too I just go into a tail spin as I can relate over and over again to what pain they are going through.

I keep going through one box at a time.....and believe me it is only one box at a time...as they are filled with such memories that it is overwhelming. I opened one of Rick's many cards that he had given to me and found this typed note in it. It would have been one he would have typed just before he lost his ability to type. I don't know where he found this on the internet or who wrote it originally but it was addressed to me...
To Joan,
"Love never disappears, for death is a non-event
I have merely retired to the room next door.
You and I are the same; what we were for each other, we still are.
Speak to me as you always have; do not use a different tone; do not be sad.
Continue to laugh at what made us laugh.
Smile and think of me.
Life means what it has always meant.
The link is not severed.
Why should I be out of your soul if I am out of your sight?
I will wait for you; I am not here, but just on the other side of this path."
All my love, Your husband Rick

You can imagine the tears as I began to read this. I am so thankful for the time we did have together even though it is so painful now.

Joan here..." 15 months"

I can't believe another month has come and gone! We have a bit of snow and winter is around the corner to stay. It was wonderful to spend time visiting family. I spent some wonderful time with some of my cousins out west. They toured me all over!

I really enjoyed visiting with my elderly aunt also. Who knows if I will ever be out that way again to see her. The tears just rolled down my cheeks when I saw her again. So many fond memories of my childhood rolled back into mind.

The last time I was out that way was when Rick and I had gone to visit out there. Once again very bitter sweet!

Joan here..."14 months into the rest of my life"

14 months after my sweetheart Ricki has passed and how am I doing? Hard to answer that as it is so multi faceted! There isn't a morning or a night when I don't say good morning sweetheart, I miss you so much! and good night to my sweetheart Ricki---I miss you soooooooo much!!! I could cry at the drop of a hat as they say when I really stop to think of him! When I come into my place the first thing I do is say "I am here honey!!!" as I look at his picture standing on the kitchen counter.

I have the hope, the assurance and the confidence that we will see each other again one day and that is what keeps me! I thank God for the teaching I received early on in my life that has enabled and empowered me this way! God is a good God! (Thank you Jim Richards for that teaching!!!)

I have been trying to bring some organization to my stacks of unpacked belongings. Each time I open even the smallest of boxes I go into a tail spin. Each box has memories and treasures that belonged to Rick, things Rick and I shared together. I unpacked a box that had Rick's sunglasses and favorite sun tan lotion tonight and I just cried and cried as I held these precious things in my hands. So many beloved memories. The suntan lotion was expired but how could I get the courage to just throw it away? It was a bottle that he chose and he bought! If I threw it away was I just throwing Rick away? the memory of Rick away? Crazy you might think but that is the process of what my mind was going through!

The sunglasses and the sun lotion all have memories attached to them. I really think I can understand on a very small level what hoarders go through when they depart with their "stuff". Each item has a moment...a memory of a time attatched to it!

I attempted today to try and start a serious sort through some boxes. I just couldn't. I stood there and sobbed after opening just the first box! I know....why should this be so difficult??? but until you go through it you can't even imagine! Before this I know I couldn't that is for sure! It is like if I unpack this box and sort through it then I will never have another box to unpack again of Rick's. It is so difficult to explain! Even in writing this I know that God is bigger, that this is only "stuff". I know in my mind but my heart just screams something else.

To all of you who have lost loved ones who where close to you I know you will understand what I am saying here. Never would I have ever dreamed what it is like to be separated from your soul mate, the love of your life, the one who was always there for you, the one who always encouraged you, the one who always said you were so beautiful even when your hair was a greasy mess and you were wearing grubby sweats, and looking haggard and tired! A toast to you my darling beloved Ricki!!!!!!!!! I miss you so much!!!!!!!

Joan here..."Some clips from our Nick Drobot aka Elvis ALS Fundraiser"

For all you Elvis fans....

Here are a few clips from the ALS Fundraiser night with Nick Drobot aka Elvis! Enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDXlxUp6BQk&feature=share

Joan here..."Elvis will be in the Building again this year!"

ELVIS is in The Building!!!

Friday, September 23rd
Time: 7:00 pm - 12:00 pm
Masonic Memorial Temple
420 Corydon Ave (Confusion Corner)
Tickets $50.00 each - $25.00 tax receipt

For Tickets or info call:

Sharon at 831-1510 email: HOPE@ alsmb.ca

Brian at 837-1270 email: bcampbell@alsmb.ca

A special evening with 50,60 & 70's music provided by Amie's Music Servies, "The Colonel's" Auction of HOPE, and two performances by Nick Drobot "aka" as ELVIS.

Joan here..."A short video clip on the cause of ALS"

Amazing new information on what causes ALS!!!! Also a short video clip. http://www.northwestern.edu/newscenter/stories/2011/08/siddique-als-breakthrough.html

In posting this I am aware that this is coming too late to help my late husband and dear friends who have lost their loved ones to ALS. The hope is that in the near future no other families will have to endure the ravages of this disease. A cure is on the way!!! Thank you God for all the dedicated men, woman and children who had a part in all of this in their own unique way of contributing!

I am sure Ricki, Brian C, Bill G, Phil W, Ken S, Brian M, are all rejoicing about now that something is happening in finding a cure for this disease. Us wives are missing you guys down here big time!!!!!

Joan here..."Thinking of you Darling on our special day!"

Keeping busy is probably the best thing a person can do instead of sitting back and just feeling sorry for oneself. Today was Rick and my Wedding Anniversary Day! We had planned to spend many many years together. Our wedding day was a beautiful sunny hot day just like today. I thought about many of those special memories today! I laughed out loud just thinking at how we slept in the next morning and just about missed our honeymoon flight!

In keeping to try and do something on those special days...I enjoyed a wonderful supper out with my nephew. The waitress suggested a "Guinness" beer of all things. It took me by surprise especially today being our Anniversary Day as Rick would on special occasions order one. So guess what I ordered? Yep, and it was very special and dear to me! And to tradition toasted my darling beloved husband!

I must say I have kept really busy this summer and I dread the cold that is coming around the corner. We have had one of the most glorious summers after such a drawn out winter.

Widowhood is definitely not a club you would want to join at any time. Remember to hug your loved ones and tell them you love them while you still can! I can't emphasize that enough my friends!

Joan here..."One of the most difficult days of this year!"

Well, it arrived today! August 13th, the first year anniversary of your passing away! The day I have dreaded for weeks now. It has been one long, lonely and scary year is all I can say! First of all, I can't even believe I made it one year without you Ricki being physically here! I know you have been here with me in spirit!

There were times when I thought I would never ever make it! I just wanted to die and be with you!!! Most of this year has been a roller coaster ride and one great big blur! The only thing is I have been on more downs than ups!

For awhile now I have been thinking... how am I going to spend this day? How does one even begin to prepare for this day? I have been reading where it helps to really make a plan on doing something.

I usually try and go to the Sperling cemetery each month and bring some flowers to your grave. I missed June 13th as I was in Calgary at the ALS Walk with Uncle Keith so I went a week later. This month was so different as it marked the first year without you my darling Ricki.

I drove to Sperling and picked up your parents. We went out and had lunch together and then off to the cemetery. I know it is only your earthly remains there not where your spirit is but it is a contact spot of sorts. We spent time there your style Ricki! Every year you and I would go there and you would toast your grandparents and friends who had passed on and tell me stories about them all. Here we were today there in remembrance of you!!!

All of this is still so numbing and unbelievable! I don't think I will ever get over the horror of seeing what you went through during the course of your fight with ALS right before my eyes. Rick you were such an incredible brave and wonderful husband. You touched people's lives without doing anything more than flashing them that great big smile of yours. You always accepted people where they were at!

In all my life I have never met such an amazing man. In saying that, were you perfect? NO!!! You and I always laughed about that. What we had together was amazing!

I miss our talks, walks and just being together. I miss "Joan, what's the plan?", "Hey, Babette!", and I never thought I would say this....I miss your singing.

I miss you out of the blue taking my hand, holding me close, looking into my eyes and just start singing to me songs that you would make up about your love for me. Anyone who knows you knows that singing was not your gift but you would just unashamedly sing to me. Oh how I miss those times and those songs!

I miss your spontaneous dancing anywhere with me,

I miss our looking up at the stars together on a bright clear night,

I miss your incredible hugs, tender and passionate kisses, watching our favorite shows, listening to our favorite songs,

I miss being able to make plans to what we were going to do to improve the house, yard and garden,

I miss driving to work each day together and reading the newspaper to you while you drove, I still can't believe how you managed to stay on the road while having your arm outstretched and holding my hand all the way to work and back from work as you drove!

I miss us cooking a new dish together, I miss the great bargains you would find in the meat department.

I miss you always reaching for my hand as we walked or drove, or putting your arm around me.

I miss your great big grin,

I miss when I am discouraged your words "Babette, it's you and me together and we will make it!"

I miss the weekly bouquet of fresh flowers you would always bring me,

I miss the sweet little love notes,

I miss the daily morning showers where we always washed each other's hair. Because you were so tall you would always kneel down so I could easily reach your head. I miss the many times when you were on your knees how I said that was how a man should always be in front of a woman and how we would laugh about it.

I miss our nightly Jacuzzi bubble baths and how we would sit in the tub for hours talking about the day.

I miss your getting up each night and heading to the fridge to get a mid night snack.

I miss our weekly stop at KFC to get a bucket of chicken. I would eat one piece and by morning you would have eaten the other 8 pieces. You would never eat the skin and there would always be a pile in the empty bucket in the morning.

I miss the morning coffee that you would bring to me in bed. I would try and bring you some and you would say no as you said you loved to do that for me. It is so ironic because when ALS took away your ability to do that I got to bring you our morning coffee.

I miss the once a week you would paint my toe nails. You would tell me how no matter how old I would be you would make sure that my nails would be polished. I am not quite sure how you are going to keep that promise now but I am holding you to it!

I miss the many hours of sitting in a boat fishing together, the snorkeling and swimming skinny dipping style, and all that went with it!

I miss your funny little sayings, your stories, your laughter (we used to laugh and laugh together), your freedom to cry,

I miss everything about you Ricki!!!!

Even though this has been the very worst year of my life I am trusting and believing God that this has been the best year of your life!

I go over and over the words you spoke to me when we said our last goodbye here on earth, I look forward to that dance! You are so cherished, loved and beyond words missed!!! I love you so much!

God please give Rick an extra special hug today from me and take incredible care of him! I am believing you are running, jumping and exploring the universe Ricki without any limitations of wheelchairs, feeding tubes, bipaps or having to have enemas and for that I am so grateful! Forever together your Babette, xoxox

Joan here..."My deepest sympathy to Erin and family!

Rick and I became internet friends with Bill and Erin from New Zealand a few years back. Both Rick and Bill had ALS. Bill was diagnosed in September 2007, just 5 months before Rick was diagnosed. I don't even remember who found who on the internet but we did connect as they have had their own blog also. They have meant so much to us as a couple!

Bill recently unexpectantly passed away. He leaves to mourn his incredible wife and three children. When I heard the news I just sobbed and sobbed for them all. Their new journey begins.

Sending big hugs from way out here across the pond to you Erin and your family!
Please keep them all in your prayers!!!!

Joan here..."Baby Cyrus is here!"

I am so excited, baby Cyrus George is here! Today was his grand arrival! I tried to upload the pic but it didn't work.

He is such a sweet and wonderful little baby! Welcome to this world little Cyrus...I love you so much!!!!! My daughter Jen has 4 children now! 2 girls and 2 boys and informs me that the tubes are offically snipped! Can't say I blame her!

More news, Tia and Katie are going to be awared with the ALS Edmonds Award this week. How wonderful is that!!!!

I am still up and about working and trying to keep busy. Life is not easy and will never be but I am keeping busy!

Thanks for all the luv and kindness!!!!

Joan here..."10 months"

Well...I did it...last minute decision to go to the ALS Walk in Calgary! All the stars lined up!!! I went out to Calgary to walk the walk, the ALS Walk in memory of Rick and Aunt Christine. I met so many wonderful people. One of the most amazing moments was when I came face to face with the incredible lady who made Rick's urn for him. She still doesn't get it I think how wonderful that was for us. We really felt God had a hand in it! We did not have to leave Whitemouth to find one and it was hand made and hand delivered to us by Uncle Keith.


This past week was 10 months since I have talked to my sweetheart face to face, celebrated a milestone birthday without my sweetheart, gone on my first trip since Rick has passed.


This incredible lady, Ida, not only did that for a stranger but when I was out there took me for a ladies lunch at an incredible spot...muscles and all we got to indulge in!


I met so many wonderful people. The day before the walk, Uncle Keith and myself hung the sponsors banners in the cold and rain but we did it. The next day was so warm outside. We had the honour to take down those same banners! lol I had the pleasure and honour to walk with Uncle Keith's family, inlaws and friends on the walk.


I spent a couple of days being toured around by Uncle Keith through all the Calgary's finest. Met so many of his wonderful friends. Went to a church choir concert which was so entertaining.


This was my first away time since Rick has passed. Yes, it is always bittersweet!


As tradition would have it...I was in the air flying on my birthday once again...only the first time without Rick!


When I landed my cousin Jill picked me up and drove me to the car. From there I drove back and met my sister for a surprise birthday supper out. Well.........once I got there I was so overwhelmed by all the people in the restaurant waiting for me to arrive. What a "bittersweet" birthday...my first one, a big one, won't say how big, without Rick! Rick and I actually talked about that last year that he wouldn't be here this year. At the time we both had cried.


Rick was more sentimental to more things than what people realized. He was alway the one that had to make sure we did something on Father's Day. We went out to Sperling along with the kids and surprised his dad the last time he could get out and about. He instigated lots of things but always from behind the scenes.


My husband was a leader but lead from beside you...not in front of you! He was a team player through and through!


I took so long to post this even though it was written because I didn't have the pics uploaded yet. But hey, forget the pics up it goes!

Joan here..."One of those days!"

An Outie??? how can a person smile after having a feeding tube operation??? That was my Ricki...positive...and thankful to be alive and to have something in place for when he could no longer eat because of breathing difficulties...I have never met a person in my life like him!!!!!

Today is a day where really all one has to do is focus on the really good stuff!

I am so pleased to be able to thank so many wonderful people once again who continue to contribute in memory of Rick!!!

First of all I forgot to mention "Kathy I." of Whitemouth who so faithfully once again put in so many long hours in helping Jake and Val and the girls with the ALS garage sale!!!

Secondly, all the wonderful businesses....I hope I have all the info...I don't want to miss anyone...check out the links on the right hand side of the blog.....Universal Media Studios (All types of Media Duplication), Tint Marketing (Printing), and Blainey Enterprises Whitemouth.

It is coming up close to 10 months without my Ricki. So hard to believe. It will be my birthday on the 14th and the first one without my beloved husband. Yes, it will be one of those mile stone birthdays!!!!

I have been busy working. I have been busy running to the doctors....I caught a bacteria and now some poison ivy of all things! One more thing and that makes the "3"!

I have been so fortunate to land some positions that have been keeping me busy! BUSY is good otherwise a person can get lost in the sea of sadness, depression and feeling sorry for oneself!
I am continuing on seeing my bereavement counsellor who has been so encouraging and reassuring all is normal. Despite how irrational, weird and beyond! Even though a person wonders at times! I am normal!!!! Who would have thunk????
One of my little grandsons today, bless his heart, wanted to come with me....I took him out to see the tractor which was really what he wanted, but I just felt loved and wanted! Simple things right????? One step, One minute, one day, one week, one month, 9 months, almost 10 months.....hard to believe!!!!

Grateful for my cousin who DID not lose their house in Slave Lake....that was a miracle! Grateful for Jilly girl who is on the road to recovery after three operation due to P.A.D. Peripheral Artery Disease. A miracle for cousin Janet who is home and is so against all odds of ever leaving the hospital!!!! Thrilled for another little grandson to be born at the end of June!!!!

I have been met with so much favor, love and support from avenues that are always a miracle to me!!!!

Joan here..."Please pray for Jeannette and her family"

Nathaniel Bushell

August 30, 2004 - May 25, 2011

It is with great sadness that I write this blog entry. One of Rick's caregivers Jeannette (you would remember her as she was so bubbly and talkative) has suddenly lost her grandson Nathaniel Bushell. He was only 6 years old. He had six sisters and was their only son. He loved animals, hanging out with his father fixing equipment, and up at the crack of dawn making coffee with his dad.

He lived in Hadishville MB. Nathaniel attended the Reynold School where Rick and I would go to speak for the ALS Walks. I was just there on May 19th for this year's walk.

His funeral will be held tomorrow, Tuesday, May 31st at 10:00 am at the Green Acreas Funeral Home in Winnipeg. Please pray for the family! They will need all the love, comfort and compassion imaginable at this time!

Joan here..."The 2011 ALS Whitemouth Walk"

A video clip is posted to the right of the Whitemouth ALS Walk 2011. Thanks Brian of the ALS Society of MB for sharing the video and pics.

First of all a great big thank you to everyone who could come out and join in walking with the students at the Whitemouth ALS Walk, Jennifer Staerk and Val for organizing the event, the teachers, staff, students, the local business sponsors, and all the ALS MB staff. It is always held during the day on a Friday school morning. We even had some of the personal care home patients and staff join in.

It was so great to have Rick's mom and dad make it out for the walk. It is not easy at their age to drive the distance. Rick's dad, Wendal, accepted the donation to the ALS Society from the Lion's Club on behalf of of his son Rick. Thank you to the guys in the Whitemouth Lions Club for Bquing the hot dogs & for your donation once again!

Thanks to all who came out and supported Tia and Katie's garage sale before and on the day of the walk. It was a huge success once again. I don't have the final totals yet.

The day of the walk was cloudy, windy and cool but all our hearts were kept warm by our memories of the inspirational and wonderful man that Rick was. He walked the walk and you got to know that he was walking with us!!!

A bit of background....The students go into the community each year and get sponsors for the walk as well as any family and friends joining in. The ALS Walk was first started in Whitemouth in honour of a school teacher, Louise Lamaga who had ALS, by her daughter Lorraine.

Rick at the time was just diagnosed with ALS. We were still living in the city and were told about this walk. So we went and joined in. Here Rick was a person who was actually living with the disease standing right in the midst of them. That is when the students and community wrapped their arms around us. After that each year Rick and I would share with the students at their ALS Kick Off Rally. Year to year the students would see the progression and the never ending need for costly specialty equipment first hand.

This year was exceptionally difficult emotionally for everyone. It was the first walk without Rick and it was very painful. A couple of days before the walk I was looking for Rick's memorial video as I was asked if they could play it before we started the walk. While looking through my pile of videos I just happened to pick up one and started to play it. Well....the flood gates of tears and raw emotion bubbled up out of my being!

Rick and I just had so much compassion for anyone that would have to go through what we were going through. Early on I searched the Internet, libraries etc. for any kind of information to better understand what we were going through and would go through. We needed information on the physical and the coping challenges that we were just beginning to face daily. We needed information directed specifically to the diagnosed person and to the caregiver but not just from the clinical textbook perspective.

Believe me at the time there was not too much out there that we could get our hands on. I sure can understand now that people are in so much emotional pain just trying to cope with the ravages of this disease that they don't have much time or energy to document what is happening. Because of that initial need for "down in the trenches, in your face, nothing barred" kind of information Rick and I began our own little private quest. We were going to share our ALS walk whether it would be by talking, blogging or video taping!

It has had many benefits and many not so good benefits. Especially, on days when you are overwhelmed and discouraged and ready to throw the frying pan across the room! Not pretty!!!

Anyways, I went and taped hours of footage. Nothing was ever preplanned or discussed beforehand. I wouldn't even know when I was going to go and get that camera. Everything was serendipity and serendipitous!!! Another one of Rick's favorite words!

Rick would just flow as the tape rolled. Another one of his famous sayings was "I never met a mike that I didn't like!". Looking back it was a great outlet for him to be able to express himself. Until now, I just have not brought myself to go through any of those tapes. So watching this video for the first time the other day was so heart wrenching but exhilarating! Heart wrenching to see my sweetheart describe what he was feeling and going through and exhilarating to see him and hear his voice again! I could hear him tell me he loved me, calling me "babette". There was so much pain and yet so much gain!!!!

Moving along here.... I was not too sure about the intensity of emotion this video would or could possibly evoke in the students watching and listening to Rick's raw frankness of what he was dealing with. So I had a longtime friend of Rick and mine, Sillypuppy, put together a copy of a segment of the footage. This particular tape that I watched has many segments in it, first segment is one of Rick laying in bed talking about many things, the next segment is the one that I chose to share with the students, and then the last segment is where he sees his memorial stone for the first time out at the cemetery.

Every so often I will try and muster up the emotional courage to pull out another video that I taped of Rick but I usually convince myself not to do it yet. At the time I was so focussed on taping Rick that I wasn't always aware of the complete content of what he was saying. So for me it is watching for the first time.

In our relationship Rick was very comfortable to just talk and talk about anything and everything. It is another thing though to have a camera aimed at you when you are going through gag reflex moments, emotional lows, and being open and spontaneous about it all and not knowing who was all going to be watching it down the road! He was so brave to be so volunerable! This one particular segment is exceptionally emotionally revealing. You feel his grieving, his body loss, his pain! It just tears at your heart!

I always told him he had the gift of being a teacher. Rick knew how to explain things in a way we could all understand. He always brought in humour so it made the difficult issues somewhat more easier to accept because he made you laugh. You can really pick that up on the tapes as he explains what is happening to his body and how he is coping with the disease.

Anyways, I took this segment of the tape and headed straight over to the ALS Society of MB to get their opinion if it would be appropriate for the ALS Walk presentation. They were impressed and somewhat surprised at the emotional content of the tape. Diana asked permission to use some of the clips for training and educational purposes in some upcoming videos they will be producing.

Rick and I always hoped that somehow we could be a source of support and help for others with ALS. Who would have thought that some of this footage is exactly what they have been looking for! Who knows...someday Rick maybe be travelling and teaching all around the world and affecting people's lives for many years to come! and it didn't even cost a cent...it costs a life...his life!!!

Thanks Sharon Carter for your special words to my heart!!!!

Joan here..."Please vote for Tia and Katie"

Tia and Katie just got nominated by Jennifer Staerk in a contest. They could win some cool prizes.

Please go to www.qx104fm.com/Showcase/countryscoolestkids/Browse.aspx and vote for Tia and Katie. (It will allow one vote only per computer). Thanks!

Don't forget the ALS Whitemouth Walk this Friday and the continued Garage Sale Fundraiser on Friday also. Thanks!

Joan here..."Tia and Katie's ALS Garage Sale Fundraiser"

The big question this year was it Tia & Katie or Katie & Tia's ALS Garage Sale! :)

Rain or rain....the girls just kept on a going! Long weekend and rain and rain....what a combination! They have not met their goal yet but wow...they are well on their way!!!! They are determined to meet their goal so the garage sale will be continued on this Friday 9:00-4:00.

It is also the day of the ALS Whitemouth Walk so before or after the walk you can always drop in at the Curling Rink and check out the garage sale stuff!.

Here is Katie doing her favourite thing at the sale! Taking the cash!!!!

Thank you every one for your great donations- items to sell and cash donations!!! Everything is so greatly appreciated!!!! It was so wonderful to see everyone today!

Here is one for the books on garage sale shopping that happened today...without mentioning any names... I had one lady who came up to me and said "is this ever nice" in reference to an item she was holding in her hand. I agreed. Later on after she bought it and left Val came over to me and said.....Joan she was the one who donated it!!!!!!!!! Now that is a gotcha....I call it "garage sale fever!" lol

Don't forget The ALS Whitemouth Walk is this Friday leaving from the Whitemouth School. If you can't make the walk and would like to sponsor Team Rick Fewster please go to the ALS site http://www.walkforals.com/ . Thank you so much!

Joan here..."Prawda/Reynolds School ALS Walk"

Why does everything have to be so emotional and bitter sweet this first year???? Another first. Rick spoke to these same students last year and wooed and awed them with his fancy power chair spins etc. Here I was alone without him this year on the walk. Yes, there were lots of memories and lots of tears!!! Reynolds School in Prawda has been dubbed "The small school with a Big Heart!". Well that is exactly what I experienced today from them!!! Not only in their financial support but in the way they opened their hearts!!!

The Whitemouth School, Reynolds School and Beausejour Schools are going to be the most educated students on the subject of ALS!!!! They have all opened their hearts to us!!!

There were a couple of really special things that happened for me today! First, one of Rick's home care workers, Julie, showed up. It meant so much to me. From the first moment she entered our space (at first it was so difficult to have any help come in, Rick and I felt like we were giving up so much of our personal space and we both resented that) we knew she was quite the gal! She walked in and the first thing she said is the sanitizer bottle I had at the door didn't have enough alcohol % in it for being really effective. That was our intro to Julie!!! Well, we knew after that we had someone who would challenge us to excellence!!! Yes, she was right!!!! The dollar store stuff is okay but not when you are fighting what we were fighting!!!!

It is always so wonderful to me to talk with people who loved Rick. I love to talk and talk about Rick!!! Julie walked with me and we talked. She was there and saw on a day to day basis what this disease was all about. She had previously cared for Louise Lamaga who also had ALS. Julie saw how we had to fight it every day. She saw Rick and I in the trenches!!!! She brought such joy to my heart!!!! We had such wonderful home care workers for Rick. Julie, Carol, Jeannette & Debbie helping me care for my darling husband. It was just sooooo good to see her! I don't know if you ever read this blog Julie but THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for today!!!

Secondly, A mom and dad from Wpg, a daughter and her three children who recently as November had lost their son, brother, and uncle to ALS. He was only 44 years old, married with children. They showed up at this walk in support of him! They heard about this walk and decided they would drive out and support this little school's walk as it landed on the father's birthday!!!!! Their faith like mine had carried them through this terrible time in their life!

I had the honour and pleasure of meeting this family today. We just had to look at each other and mention that we have lost a loved one to ALS and the bond is immediately there. We understand the loss, the pain and the suffering without having to say a word. The mother took some time and spoke to my inner being with words of wisdom, encouragement and grace! I felt like God himself was encouraging me!

Back to the Reynolds School. We had a cloudy day, but a warm day! Actually, a perfect day to walk. I so enjoy the students, the staff, the openness in which they embrace us all. To all the students who have gone out and pursued sponsors for their school walks I am forever grateful! You ARE making a difference in the lives of those who are fighting this fight with ALS! The money is going to research and equipment for families like myself who needed this expensive equipment. Also, it enables the ALS Society of MB to be such a support to someone who is first diagnosed.

Talking about the ALS Society of MB, I want to thank Diana Rasmussen, Brian Campbell and yes Sharon Carter (who held down the fort) today for coming out and being there once again as a source of support, strength,comfort and for continuing to spread the awareness of this horrific disease. These wonderful people have so many day to day duties to take care of never mind trying to be at each walk and and and and....the list goes on. God Bless these dear people who year after year are there for us!!!! Yes, they get paid but believe me....NOT for the hours and hours of time they put in!!!!!

I just want all of you to know the ALS Society of MB is something to be so proud of!!!!! They have been there for our loved ones, for us and our families. When Rick was first diagnosed he was given a death sentence. The neurologist as wonderful as he was told us he could not help us other than tell us Rick was going to die. Rick contacted the ALS Society of MB. and within a day Diana was at our home talking to us, reaching out to us, giving us hope that we were not alone, she let us know that there was an ALS Clinic, equipment, support meetings. We needed to hear something....our world, our life as we knew it just had just crashed!!!! THANK YOU!

When I will be what I call more "normal" ....I promise you I will do everything to help you folks more in helping with the walks, the fundraising, and and and........

If any of you want to reach out and help fight this ALS......whether it be to give of your time, talents or donate money PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE contact the AL Society of MB and say RICK sent you!!!!!

I haven't shown pics of students once again as we are not allowed to for their safety.

Joan here..."9 Months"

First, I fixed the link for connecting to the ALS fundraising website on the upper right hand side of blog. Don't know what happened there. You can also get to it by http://www.walkforals.ca/ and looking up Team Rick Fewster.

Who would have thought....on the 9 month day of Rick's passing, May 13th Friday I would be in Whitemouth sharing with the students of the Whitemouth School for the 4th Annual ALS Walk kickoff rally!

Jennifer Staerk once again organized the 4th Annual ALS Walk Kickoff where the students are all handed out their sponsorship sheets for the upcoming walk on the May 27th, Friday. She has been one of those behind the scenes dedicated and amazing persons.

My granddaughter Tia put together a wonderful power point presentation on what ALS is all about. Little granddaughter Katie presented her speech to the students that she had written about her Grandpa Rick and his journey with ALS. The passion in which these girls have gone forward in keeping the memory of Grandpa Rick alive and raising funds to find a cure for this horrible disease has been so inspirational!!!! I am so very proud of them!!!

It was one of those really really emotionally difficult times for myself. First time Rick was not there. You got to know he was there in spirit! The students were respectful, warm and receptive. After I talked some they continued with our previous format where the floor was opened to the students asking questions. This is something Rick and I loved when the students would ask questions on any level. Even though we never knew what kind of question we may be asked we always tried to be as open and honest as we possibly could be.

Yesterday, was so different as I stood there in front of these students all alone. I no longer had Rick by my side. We always worked as a team and bounced the answers back and forth from each other to the students. I had moments where I just told myself to suck it up and focus and not break down. Yes, they asked the questions, How did Rick die? Did he talk before he died? Do I still have any of his equipment left? What were his favorite things to do? What was his favorite colour? They also asked some really thoughtful questions about the disease itself. The questions continued for some time. Look out ALS...your days are numbered!!!! This generation is going to do something about you!!!!!!!

I was so pleased in my heart that they were still interested in knowing all about Rick! They haven't forgotten him! I was honoured to be in the midst of this school. Once again Thank you to Jennifer Staerk, all the Whitemouth staff and students for once again opening your hearts to stepping out and raising funds to help find a cure for ALS!!!

I am looking forward to seeing all of you on Friday, May 27th for the ALS Whitemouth Walk!!!!

Joan here...."My first ALS Walk without Rick"

I found this pic of Rick when he was training to scuba dive with Jake and Daniel a year before he was diagnosed. Looking back I am sure he never dreamed just a couple of short years later he would be wearing a bipap machine mask 24/7.

I am so emotional just typing this....

This is my Fourth ALS Walk in Whitemouth. It is going to be a very very sad one as Rick will only be here in spirit! I am so proud of Rick and how in his last years on earth he still tried to fund raise to help find a cure and supply expensive equipment to families. He continued to speak to the different schools in the area. He bounced around in the van sitting strapped to the wheel chair but never complained even though his energy and body were failing him!

We do not want to have anyone else go through this disease. It is more common than we think. The ALS Society truly made a difference in our lives!!! Please try and support the walk if you can in any way. Please join us if you can or support the fundraising.

ALS Walk coming up May 27, Friday at Whitemouth School.

This year's walk is in honour of Louise Lamage and my darling Rick.

There will be a hot dog bq once again as part of the fundraising.

If you would like to become a member of Team Rick, walk, pledge or all of the above. You can download forms from the site or donate on the site as well.

Please check out my site at the link at the top right hand side top of the blog.

Katie and Tia's Annual Garage Sale will be held on May 21th, Saturday in Whitemouth.

I can't even imagine how hard it will be for Jake, Val, Tia and Katie preparing for the garage sale. Tia and Katie knowing Grandpa Rick will not have his annual photo taken with them. Rick and I would always wait for Tia and Katie to do their big presentation to announce how much they made from their garage sale to Grandpa Rick.

Joan here..."A very brave lady named Mavis passed away last night"

My heart and soul go out to Ron, Ted & Bernice at the loss of their beloved wife and sister Mavis. Mavis passed away last night from lung cancer. She fought and fought and fought the disease and lived beyond what they told her she would. She was a positive person and full of faith! She did everything she knew to fight it. She almost made it to her grandchild's first birthday. She followed strict diets and even went down south for all those special treatments. I had the luxury and pleasure of her calling me a couple of months ago and talking and talking. She wanted to live!

I have just passed the 8th month benchmark of Rick's passing so this news is even more grievous than ever for me. My Ricki also fought and fought and believed with all his might....he too wanted to live!

I have decided to try and keep myself busy so I won't be sitting on my kids doorsteps every week. Whitemouth is where I feel my last heart beat was. Every time I go to where Rick and I were last together I am so emotional and overwhelmed in my being. I cry driving to town and I cry leaving town. My missing him, my last memories of us there, our home at the time, I want to run into that very place as fast as I can and just run back into his arms just one more time!

The loneliness is unreal! I have gotten so sad and distraught at times. Everything I have read on grieving is confirming this is all just very normal. I have been volunteering this past few weeks and I also got myself a short term paying position. Hopefully, I will be able to focus long enough to accomplish the task that I need to perform for the time being.

I really have experienced the saying "until you walk in some one's shoes you really can't even know what they are going through". The emotional ups and downs, the brokenness, the sadness, the loneliness, the confusion, the desire to be around those you feel you can trust with your true feelings and will not judge you, just wanting others to listen to you without running around with what you have told them, having the unrealistic expectation that others will perceive and understand your needs, feelings and deep loss intuitively. It is amazing at the vulnerability, the easiness in which you can be so hurt when others "don't get it". I never "got it" either before.

If you are around someone who just lost a loved one I just encourage you to be forgiving, kind, patient, understanding and tender! Even though they maybe irrational at times, unrealistic at times, angry at times, demanding at times, lonely at times, wanting to talk and talk at times, forgetting what what was just said two minutes earlier at times.....Hey, that is sure me! And that is all part of my grieving...I know... it just plain old sucks!!!

I am missing you Ricki this Easter time...remembering us decorating and cutting out those big 7 foot Easter bunnies, cooking together, and planning the Easter hunts! All the while never forgetting the true meaning of Easter....the power of Jesus dying on the cross and forgiving us all for absolutely ALL our sins! I am so thankful that as a couple we both believed in HIS love for us!

Happy Easter everyone....Sending love and big hugs from all of us here on planet earth to all our loved ones who have gone on before us at this special time!

Where am I at? Not sure if I can be really really be real about that... Here goes what I can say....I miss my darling wonderful husband every moment of the day...without exception ever!!!!!!! He is not here and I have to learn how to cope without him...."key word" "cope". I am trying to focus on other things beside me....not always easy...but I AM trying! I could cry at the mention of his name! I think that will never ever change! I am busy with trying to get family members to doctors appointments, hospital visitations, volunteering as much as I can, filling in the blanks with working at a temporary job position....just plain old trying to keep busy. As far as getting and keeping a job position it is most difficult as my concentration is so dependable on the day! I am so thankful for the various family members of Rick's family who have continued to be a source of strength and encouragement to me. They really loved Rick and honour him in every way they can! They are such an source of encouragement to me!!! Thank You!!!! It is going on 8 months and I can just not believe I made it this far without him..........I feel his presence all the time....I know he is here to help me get through this. We will be together again in eternity...he will meet me on that special park bench!!! I keep hearing his words...it will be okay "babette". When I am down and out and feeling lonely...his words come flooding back to my soul..

Joan here..."Seven Months today"

Ice Fishing in Memory of Rick today....A couple of years ago my son along with a group of guys from his work organized an ice fishing trip where they would take along Rick and his dad for Rick's last ice fishing. Rick cherished that so much that they would think about him in that way. They even brought his scooter that he was driving at the time and special equipment to make it happen.

Today, Rick's 7th month, Matt one of the guys from that group and my son, with many others are out there on the lake ice fishing in memory of Rick. I was so pleased that they were doing this and especially on this day. Rick and I would ice fish each year for hours at a time and even caught a huge one that I had mounted for him. Going ice fishing for me right now is still too painful. At times just being in a group is so very hard.

The 13th of each month is always filled with such wonderful memories of my late husband Rick. I decided that I would have a very "do nothing day". If I wanted to cry I could. Just sleep till I couldn't sleep anymore. I find it hard to believe that I haven't seen Rick for seven months. The old mind just doesn't want to wrap itself around that at all!

I had another one of those very real dreams where Rick and I are snuggled together and he and I just talk and talk for hours. In my dream, I know he is gone and has just come back to talk to me and to let me know he is always aware of what is happening and how I am doing and that he himself is doing okay.

It is hard to wake up from these dreams as I just want to stay there with him.

I am so missing you Ricki...sending hugs and kisses your way!

Joan here..."Please Mark your Calendars"

ALS Society upcoming events----



1. Cornflower Gala, Saturday, March 12, 2011.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Western Canada Aviation Museum

5:30 pm Cocktails, 6:30 pm Dinner, open bar

Live and Silent Auctions

Deadline for the RSVP invitations is March 4th, Friday, 3:00 pm.


2011 Cornflower Gala promises to be one of the highlight events of 2011. Come dine, dance the night away under the planes in the Hangar of the Western Canada Aviation Museum. This event includes an open bar and a delicious four course meal highlighted by a decadent dessert table with a chocolate fountain.



Dance Music is provided by Mr. E & The Jazz Gumshoes.



The evening also features both live and silent auctions, with prizes that include a trip for two anywhere WestJet flies, a balloon ride for two, luxury stays at some of Winnipeg's finest hotels, and much, much more.

Tickets $140.00 ($70.00 tax receipt)
For tickets or information call 204-831-1510
Email: HOPE@alsmb.ca



The next two events are so hard to even post about as this will be the first year Rick will not be here in body to participate in the garage sale and walk. He always looked forward to seeing everyone each year! So please try and make it if you can in memory of Rick and in helping to prevent this from happening to some other family. Thank you so much!

2. May 21th, Saturday Katie & Tia's 3rd Annual ALS Fundraising Garage Sale
Whitemouth, MB


Katie's raised the stakes once again this year. The girls are more determined than ever to raise money in memory of their beloved Grandpa Rick. All proceeds from the garage sale go to the ALS Society of MB to help find a cure and to help the society to provide equipment. For more information or questions please call Val 348-3074 or email jvtk@mts.net.



3. Whitemouth Walk for ALS Friday, May 27th, 2011.


This will be the 4th Annual Whitemouth Walk for ALS in memory of Louise Lamaga (former school teacher) and Rick Fewster. You can download your pledge forms from the ALS website at http://www.alsmb.ca/ For more information contact Jennifer Staerk 204-348-2595, email jstaerk@sunrised.ca or Val 204-348-3074. To contact the ALS Society of Manitoba call Sharon at 204-831-1510 email HOPE@alsmb.ca or Brian at 204-837-1270 email bcampbell@almb.ca

Joan here..."The wonderful world of Skype"

I have rediscovered the wonderful world of "skype". It is so nice to be able to talk to others who live far away and see them while you are talking. I have been spending hours on it lately with family from Edmonton way as my cousin Jill is scheduled for an artery bipass this week.

Because her immediate family do not live near here I have been filling in for them. Her sisters and I have been coordinating her appointments, surgery, and post surgery plans too make sure nothing will be missed in her care.

I have been busy going back and forth to Health Science Centre this past couple of weeks. It has been emotionally draining at times as memories flood in each time about the times Rick and I were there for his appointments, operation, and etc. When I see someone in a wheelchair it instantly takes me back in my mind about Rick in his.

Things like when I was pushing my cousin in her wheelchair and getting on the elevator. Remembering how Rick loved it that I always made sure he was backed in not pushed in. That way he could face the elevator doors.

I was at a funeral recently for a dear neighbour, John, from way back in my growing up years. He had Parkinson's disease. This man had a son, Jack, who a number of years ago when he was in his 30's died of ALS. Now one of his other sons, Jeff, had an aneurysm recently and has left him in a wheelchair, unable to speak etc. At the funeral his young wife was sitting next to him with their two small children.

After the service Jeff and his wife were sitting at a table where she was putting meds in a syringe to put into Jeff's feeding tube. I just stood beside them and gasped as I watched her taking care of him. I did everything to just keep myself together and not break down sobbing right then and there. My heart just welled with pain for what he and her are facing. He resides at the Deer Lodge Centre right now and can't even be home with his family on a daily basis.

I am looking forward to the day when my memories of Rick will go first to the time of our life where he was not ill and we just had a normal life. Rick is still in my dreams regularly. I cherish those dreams!!!

Please do pray for my cousin Jill, Jeff and his wife and their young children.

Joan here..."6 months today"

I never dreamed I could have made it this long without Ricki. It is 6 months today since he passed and my first Valentine's Day tomorrow without him.

These dates are very raw reminders how our life together as we knew it has forever changed. These dates are a reminder of our dreams and plans that will never be. Every couple of days I still have my break down times. They usually last for a couple of days. I am finding out first hand that everything is a choice!

When I think of Rick which is most of the time....I am so amazed at how strong, brave and loving he truly was as a man even till the end! In the last year of his life I was so exhausted with just the physical daily care for him and the internal stress of knowing we may not have a tomorrow together. I didn't always see everything with a balanced perspective. A lot of tunnel vision. When you are barely hanging on to your own sanity with all the ups and downs this disease brings into your life, as a wife, I didn't have anytime to be reflective or concerned about anything other than getting Rick through his day with as much dignity and care as I could.

While going through some of our stuff awhile ago I came across a bag full of new Valentine Day Cards. I then remembered how Rick had told me he had gone out and bought me a bunch so when he was gone I would always have a new one to open each year from him. So when I found them all I did was cry and cry and hugged the package of cards. I have kept them in the bag without reading them. I did manage to count them and I have one for each year till I am 86 years old!!!!

Valentine Day for us was an "us time"! I am truly amazed how even after death he arranged for me to have an "us time". I have so many very romantic memories and times he so thoroughly surprised me with! So every year I will get to read and see something new that he had picked out for me....what a wonderful gift of love he put into place for me! It won't bring him back...but his thoughtfulness eases the pain of the loss for the day. It is something tangible!

A few lines taken from this year's card....

"...but if you're ever uncertain

of how much I care,

just "listen" to my heart..."

Missing you my dear Valentine!!!! I love everything you once were and everything you continue to be now!!!!

Joan here..."Does our passion have feet, hands or a voice?"

I was so pleased to hear that Katie, our little granddaughter, had joined the 4H Club this year. As part of what they were learning this year in public speaking they each had to write their own speech in their own words and present it.

Well..... Anyone knowing Katie and her passion would guess immediately what she chose to write about! I believe she will be entering a contest and reading what she wrote. I asked her permission to share this on the blog. Here goes....

"Hello ladies, gentlemen and honourable judges. My name is Katie... and I am from the Whitemouth Community 4H Club.

Today I'm here to talk to you about ALS. Also called Lou Gehrig's Disease. ALS stands for Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis. ALS is a muscular disease that kills all the muscles in your body and eventually kills your heart or lungs. In ALS your brain acts like the light switch and your body acts like the lightbulb. When your brain tells your body to do something your body will respond but when you have ALS, ALS breaks the connection. ALS has no cure!

The reason I brought up this subject is because my Grandpa Rick had it. He was diagnosed February 1, 2008. ALS can start anywhere in your body. For my grandpa, it started in his legs. That is the reason my grandpa had to use a cane. My grandpa let my sister and I name the cane. We call it Max.

We knew my grandpa would need a lot of help so we renovated our house and garage into a beautiful suite and asked grandpa and grandma to move in with us. And they did! Through my grandma and grandpa we have met a lot of people. For example we met Dianna, Brian and Sharon from the ALS Society of Manitoba. They help families learn about ALS and supply equipment to people suffering from this horrible disease.

I wanted to help the people with ALS. So, I came up with an idea to have an ALS garage sale. Our first garage sale made $1,000.00 And our second garage sale made $1,637.00! This year I hope to raise around $2,000.00.

Sadly, August 13, 2010 my brave Grandpa Rick passed away. It is hard to see someone you love suffer so much. It is because of this I want to help people with ALS and hopefully one day you can too!"

****

I had the priviledge of Katie reading her speech to me and all I could do was cry and cry as I listened to this little girl express herself in the loss of her dear grandpa Rick and her continued desire to raise money to help families and find a cure for ALS.

I am sure Grandpa Rick was smiling down from heaven as Katie read her speech to me that night and so proud of her wanting to share it with everyone. She has put feet, hands and now a voice to her passion! What a challenge for me to follow!

Joan here..."15 sec commercial CTV"

This pic is a pic of the Amaryllis bulb that Rick and I would plant every year for the last couple of years. He found so much joy in seeing how every year a new bloom would grow. This has just blossomed and there are other blooms that are coming up. This pic doesn't really do justice to how majestic this plant is.

Just recently I found out that they are running a 15 sec. commercial to campaign for ALS awareness on CTV Winnipeg. It actually aired today during the Oprah Winfrey Show commercials as I was talking to Rick's mom and dad. Talk about timing! Ken and Alice Simpson, Brian and Kathy Cava, and Rick and I are shown in the clip. To our great sadness and loss all three guys are gone. It is so incredible to us wives to even think they are no longer here!

I am going to try and post the link of the copy of the commercial in case you don't get to see it. www.tripwiremedia.com/client/ALS/ Allow a couple of minutes for it to buffer once you click on it.....(Click on the ALS 15 second one).

Joan here..."5 months today"

As I sit and type this I glance back and forth towards the picture I have of Rick sitting on my desk. And as usual his big grin and shinning eyes catch my breath! Today, is the 5 th month since Rick passed away. It is almost half a year since I have talked to him. I have debated whether or not to continue blogging but tell myself to hang in there till the first year.

Nothing has really changed much in how I am feeling other than I don't think about Rick every 5 minutes like I did at first. I still cry but not as much or as often. I am still exhausted and I know that will take time. I definately have trouble remembering what I am suppose to do next or what had just taken place. All part and parcel of this thing called "grieving". It has really helped me having the family and friends support that has been very present in my life since Rick's passing.

I have packed up pretty much everything of Rick's clothing etc. So I only have a jacket and a pair of his slippers in the closet right now. I am surprised that I have even come this far in all of this. You don't know what is inside of you until you have to walk it. One thing is for sure, if you haven't walked it, there is no way a person could even begin to understand what it is like to lose your spouse to death.

I have been told countless times how very lucky I have been to have had such a loving relationship with Rick as that is not always the case with other marriages. That is probably why it is so hard at times as I miss our times together.

I was asked if I would be willing to answer some questions by a woman named Linda Della Donna who hosts a radio show on "Voice America" and has a web site dedicated to helping people who are grieving. The web site is http://www.griefcase.net/ . The article is located on the bottom of the page. You will recognize the picture.

More great news...Ricks daughter Colleen had a little (tongue in cheek as he weighed 9lbs 13oz) baby "Moses" in early January. Great way to start the New Year. I also found out that my daughter is expecting for this year. I am very excited as I will be able to be more available to her. It will be her 4th baby! I would not have ever believed she would have 4 children. She never was a baby person growing up!

I kept myself very busy today trying to bring some order to my place. It helped to keep my mind busy so I didn't have to do a lot of thinking. I have been writing in a journal as well and all of that helps.

Sometimes I really wonder what I will be doing and how I will be feeling when that first year comes around. I sometimes just wish the days, months and years would just fly by so that I could be on the other side of this part of the pain.

Loving and missing you Ricki....I have made it through 5 months!

"1/11/11" It would have been Rick's 58th Birthday today!

The ones symbolize to me.....this year is a year of firsts!!!! 1/11/11. All these "firsts" for me are coming in absolute bunches...Christmas, New Years, Rick's birthday, 5th month, Valentine's day and on and on and on. They say the "first" year is like that!

This past week I have been very busy with a lot on my plate and yesterday I noticed I have not been myself at all...it is so bad that on my way to a friends house I did an errand and forgot that I was suppose to stop in at her place after the errand. She had been so worried about me as I never showed up. Hey, come to think of it, I haven't been myself for the past three years...

It wasn't till today as I was driving to the cemetery that I realized that the upcoming day of Rick's birthday had been really way more stressful to me than what I had thought.

Yesterday, I went and made a floral spray that I could bring out to Sperling. The flowers were each delibertly chosen. Each colour and quantity. Each flower that I placed together and taped ushered in a flood of memories of Rick and I and what it had meant to us. I know when we do this it is actually for helping US to cope in a tangible way. It allows us to give expression of our grief and love for the loved one who has passed on.....

I am so thankful that Rick's folks have been sharing with me in so many of the "firsts" without Rick. Today, we all went for lunch together. We even went to a place where we all had a memory of having a lunch with Rick not very long ago.

Going to the cemetery today had it's own bag of emotions. Every time I go there I am reminded of how Rick would always walk around the place and tell me stories of all these people that he knew and cherished. I do have a video that I took of him the very last time he could walk going around the cemetery and how I had cried and cried taking it as I knew only to well that he too would be here in just a matter of time. I can't even imagine how he felt knowing that as he walked each step around all the tomb stones. Never mind stopping and looking at his own stone and knowing what was ahead for him shortly.

A child hood friend of Rick's contacted me today. He had intended on stopping there today but had been so consumed in taking care of his own mom. She is so ill so he said had given Rick the thumbs up as he had driven by the cemetery. I know this all sounds so weird but it meant so much to me that others are so thoughtful still of Rick's memory. I have had countless emails and etc acknowledging that today was his birthday. It has meant so much to me that people continue to keep his memory living on.

It was only three years ago today that Rick spent time talking with all the kids about his suspicion that this was ALS. It would only be two weeks later that he actually found out that he in fact had ALS. That is when our life went upside down in a second.

It is only two years ago today that we had the birthday bash with Elvis! Rick was so honored by the family and friends who could make it.

It is now today, and I have had to continually tell myself that Rick is having the best, biggest most unimaginable birthday ever!!!! If I see things that way then all I can be is just happy for him! That is where I have to leave it.........."I am so happy for him that he is no longer suffering!"

Happy Birthday my dearest wonderful husband Ricki from all of us who miss and love you from the core of our beings!!!!!

Joan here..."My first New Years Eve without Rick"

Last year I posted on December 31 some pics of all our family members who shared the same birthday on today's date. My mom, Rick's dad, my sister, my cousin, Well.....that list just grew longer. Rick's daughter Ella had a little daughter today. Rick's dad Wendal now shares his birthday with his great grand daughter "Nina". Rick would get such a kick out of that happening. I think it is wonderful news and an incredible thing to happen on the last day of what has been a very difficult year for everyone.

I spent the evening just doing nothing much. I was invited to spend the evening with Rick's dear cousins but it was so cold to drive out there and I have so much on my plate right now so I declined. I made a big toasty warm fire in the wood stove. It is so very comforting on a cold, cold evening to have a nice fire burning in the wood stove. I kissed Rick's picture countless times and wiped away the tears with each kiss. Thankfully, his picture in under glass.

I sat here feeling blue as the clock was ticking away and getting closer to moving forward into the new year. I was dreading the arrival of the new year as it meant it would mark the first new year without Rick physically here. He and I would not ever share one day together in 2011. I was spiralling downward with these thoughts as the clock ticked away. All of a sudden a skype call came in from our friends Erin & Bill from New Zealand wishing me a New Year!

I am so amazed how once again God uses people to be there at the right time and the right place. It brought such joy to my heart and cut through my sadness. In thinking about these friends I have been truly amazed. ALS has invaded Bill's body for sometime now. My heart breaks for them knowing what they are going through. How hard it is for both of them in each their own ways. Through the wonderful world of Internet we connected because of ALS. Through these past years we have shared our lives as we went along. Rick and I enjoyed reading their blog together. They were people just like us...people put in a spot that they didn't want to be in. Facing the tiger in the eye and desperately trying to over power it.

We don't always understand the whys or the how comes when having to deal with sorrow and pain but I have come to experience first hand how amidst all of it there is always a thread of goodness. That thread is what I have clung to. We just have to be open to look for it and that is not always easy when you are walking through the storm.

Tonight, when I got the "Happy New Year call" it was such a gift at the right moment. Here they are living on the opposite ends of the earth, right now experiencing hot beach weather, and already moving towards the end of New Years Day and I am experiencing -30 some with wind chill, piles of snow outside, putting wood in the stove, and heading into the New Year. As opposite as we are in so many areas we share in the same grief and pain of what ALS does to our lives, loved ones and families.

The friendship that we have developed with so many others in this situation has been gold! We may get knocked down and the wind knocked out of us from time to time but we share in the same inner strength and power that love gives. Because of our faith and the love for our loved ones we brush ourselves off and get up and keep on walking!

Erin, Alaina, Cathy, Alice, Joan M., Karen, Anna, and Mertia and everyone else who walked the walk of love and never gave up through this very difficult past year...May you each find an extra thick thread of goodness when you need it in this New Year of 2011!